It's official, no beating around the bush. WE ARE PREGNANT!!!!!!! We are officially 12 weeks 3 days and we are overwhelmed with emotion. Amazement, shock, THANKFUL, awe, nervous, excited! To this day I still stop and think, "Wow, I'm going to be a MOM!?!" The idea is so foreign to me, that it hasn't really sunk in yet. I am starting to get a bit of a baby bump, a BABY BUMP!! and it's feeling more real as the days go on. Our due date is July 2, 2011 and we are so looking forward to becoming parents.
We had our FET on Oct 14 and all went really well. Both blasts made it through the thawing stage and they were graded at 3AB and 3BA. On Oct 24 we went in for blood work and my cell phone was burning a hole in my pocket all day. We couldn't focus at church, because we were so jittery waiting for that call. I had a different feeling this time around and I felt different. I've been asked, "How so?" and I couldn't explain, just different then the last cycle. The phone finally rang later that day around 4 and when the nurse said the test was positive my response was "You're serious?!?" it was surreal, I was so shocked on the phone that I could hardy listen to the rest. It was positive. I hung up the phone and Jeff and I cried and hugged out of the shear relief and happiness that overwhelmed us. We knew that it was just the beginning and we weren't 'out of the woods' yet, so to speak. The beta was only 87 which wasn't really high, but anything over 25 is positive. We were over the moon, and really just in shock. We sat and held my tummy and poured prayers of thanks to God and for Him to wrap His arms around the little miracle He created. About 15 min later my mom called just to chat and I cried out the news to her. We shared a cry over the phone and it all felt so surreal. We later called Jeff's mom and dad and they were ecstatic to hear the news. Funny thing is we were so wound up with excitement and jitters, that we couldn't stay in the house and we ended up going to Telus World of Science to watch an Imax about Mt. Everest!!! :) I'll never forget that day, it was amazing.
It has been so great being able to share with all the wonderful people that have supported us through this wild journey. We are loving the pregnancy, and can't wait!! to meet our little miracle in just over 6 months!! I don't want to make this post too long, I could write forever, but now I can be free to write updates and share this new, and exciting chapter. Praise the Lord, and may He continue to mold and shape this little life He created.
December 21, 2010
December 14, 2010
remembering the real meaning of Christmas
It's so easy to get wrapped up (pardon the pun!) in all the Christmas festivities. Decorating, making lists, braving the malls, buying the perfect gifts, wrapping with bows and ribbons, then eagerly anticipating opening your own special presents. We take pride in what we have, what we can give, how many times we can say cheerfully, "Merry Christmas!" But amidst all the eggnogg, tinkling bells and lights, can we remember the small and humble beginnings of why we celebrate Christmas in the first place? A tiny little baby, a miracle born. We have turned this awe filled moment into an all month ordeal of fake tinsel and sugar cookies. Don't get me wrong, I'm no Scrooge, or Grinch. I love decorating my tree, buying something that says, "I love you", embracing warm hugs from family, and walking through winter wonderland. Yet while enjoying these wonderful times, I need to stop to marvel at the tiny, yet amazing gift God sent us. His small, precious Son. Without this tiny person, I would not be the saved, forgiven, and unconditionally loved person that I am today, taking for granted all that I've been blessed with. Think back to Mary and Joseph, they were without possessions, riding a donkey, and had nowhere to go. No warm home all decked out in lights and garland, with a fire crackling and hot chocolate steaming. Jesus was born in a barn, in a manger full of hay. Kings, shepherds, and wise men came in awe to see Him. This is what I need to celebrate this Christmas, the birth of my Lord and Savior, the only One who can bring full contentment and peace into my heart, this season and throughout my life.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SiRhFKpxHD8&feature=fvw
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SiRhFKpxHD8&feature=fvw
October 23, 2010
little note
Wow it's been quite the ride at work these days! The whole school received a new timetable and students and staff are needing to adjust to all the changes. The days have been going by fairly quickly that's for sure! The weekends are such a blessing to get some rest and relax for awhile. I noticed the other day that a Christmas catalogue was out already and can't quite believe that it's only 2 months away! I'm really starting to believe that the older you get the faster time goes by : (
The medications that I've been taking are going well, and we're looking forward to the next steps in our FET. No definite timeline (again) but we're excited (and a bit anxious) to be starting a new cycle. Taking it slow and not being in a rush is what we're striving for, by praying for patience and calm hearts.
The medications that I've been taking are going well, and we're looking forward to the next steps in our FET. No definite timeline (again) but we're excited (and a bit anxious) to be starting a new cycle. Taking it slow and not being in a rush is what we're striving for, by praying for patience and calm hearts.
October 5, 2010
Taking a Breath
Sometimes we just need to stop and breathe. Take a moment and look at all the beauty around us. To share some time with a loved one. I'm realizing that my life is too busy. We live in such a hustle and bustle society and I am getting sucked right in to the craziness of it. Being busy isn't a bad thing. I like not having time to dwell on matters that are out of my control, and rather work out details such as double booking a night and deciding what to do about it. But as I mentioned before, I need to stop and take into account all the blessings in my life. Wonderful husband, good career, great family, close friends, involvement in church, participating in sports. There are so many great things in life, and yet we are constantly pressured into wanting what we don't have, wondering why we can't enjoy this or that. And yet, despite not being pregnant or having a baby already, I feel contentment. My life is full and rich. Can it get even more fulfilled and richer? Yes. But do I feel a need or a want for that? The answer is no, I am content with the pace of my life right now.
Will we decide to start a second cycle, yes, I think we will very soon. The reason we feel we can is because we are both in a good space right now. Content. With life, each other, our faith. We needed to wait this long. To wait for a sense of joyful anticipation at the thought of a frozen cycle, not out of desperation due to a failed cycle. We've made appointments, and I'm taking some medications. No rush, no hurry but in His time. I'm slowly getting my body ready to start the process over, and I'm looking forward to it. A month ago, I wouldn't be able to say that, but now the thought of becoming pregnant excites me. So we will take days as they come and in those days we will take moments, to stop and think of just how far we've come, how our lives have changed and how truly blessed we feel.
Will we decide to start a second cycle, yes, I think we will very soon. The reason we feel we can is because we are both in a good space right now. Content. With life, each other, our faith. We needed to wait this long. To wait for a sense of joyful anticipation at the thought of a frozen cycle, not out of desperation due to a failed cycle. We've made appointments, and I'm taking some medications. No rush, no hurry but in His time. I'm slowly getting my body ready to start the process over, and I'm looking forward to it. A month ago, I wouldn't be able to say that, but now the thought of becoming pregnant excites me. So we will take days as they come and in those days we will take moments, to stop and think of just how far we've come, how our lives have changed and how truly blessed we feel.
September 7, 2010
Fall is in the air. Seeing the bright sun outside has been a little deceiving, because there is a 'crispness' to the air. I really do love fall, and I can't wait until all the colors start popping out. The bright reds, oranges and yellows make such a beautiful splash of color.
Now shifting back a few days to our follow up appointment. First of all we weren't sure what to expect. We wanted some answers as to why the cycle failed, but also knew that Dr. Motan might not be able to provide them. He was very sympathetic, and truly felt for us. He was just as disappointed that it had failed, as everything he could tell professionally looked great. This was really nice to hear, and the fact that he was still very hopeful and positive for us, made us both feel good. What he decided was that it had nothing to do with the embryos, because they were of such great quality, and not the medications. He has an idea that it is most likely my lining fighting off the foreign embryos. Because I have POF, I have more antibodies than most. So when something foreign enters my womb (aka cute little embies) the antibodies want to try and get rid of it. Harsh right? If only I could have a talk with those Mr. Antibodies!! So when we decide to try a frozen cycle, Dr. Motan would like to do endometrium micro trauma prior to implanting. Basically provide a diversion by scratching my lining and keeping most of the antibodies busy while coming in and implanting the embryos a few days later. It actually sounds quite comical to me, almost like the Trojan Horse sneak attack. Anyway I'm glad that he has some new ideas and that he is keeping our hopes up about becoming pregnant. We are still undecided as to when we'd like to start with the frozen cycle, and are quite content to wait for a while yet. Knowing that we still have 6 embryos to work with is comforting and we don't feel rushed, and it would only be myself getting ready and not syncing with a donor. All in God's timing and we are patiently waiting for that. We are excited and thanking God for the good news for couples in Quebec. The government is now fully funding invitro treatments, and our prayers are for our own leaders to follow the example and do the same across Canada. Here's a link if you're interested. Quebec Fertility Funding
Now shifting back a few days to our follow up appointment. First of all we weren't sure what to expect. We wanted some answers as to why the cycle failed, but also knew that Dr. Motan might not be able to provide them. He was very sympathetic, and truly felt for us. He was just as disappointed that it had failed, as everything he could tell professionally looked great. This was really nice to hear, and the fact that he was still very hopeful and positive for us, made us both feel good. What he decided was that it had nothing to do with the embryos, because they were of such great quality, and not the medications. He has an idea that it is most likely my lining fighting off the foreign embryos. Because I have POF, I have more antibodies than most. So when something foreign enters my womb (aka cute little embies) the antibodies want to try and get rid of it. Harsh right? If only I could have a talk with those Mr. Antibodies!! So when we decide to try a frozen cycle, Dr. Motan would like to do endometrium micro trauma prior to implanting. Basically provide a diversion by scratching my lining and keeping most of the antibodies busy while coming in and implanting the embryos a few days later. It actually sounds quite comical to me, almost like the Trojan Horse sneak attack. Anyway I'm glad that he has some new ideas and that he is keeping our hopes up about becoming pregnant. We are still undecided as to when we'd like to start with the frozen cycle, and are quite content to wait for a while yet. Knowing that we still have 6 embryos to work with is comforting and we don't feel rushed, and it would only be myself getting ready and not syncing with a donor. All in God's timing and we are patiently waiting for that. We are excited and thanking God for the good news for couples in Quebec. The government is now fully funding invitro treatments, and our prayers are for our own leaders to follow the example and do the same across Canada. Here's a link if you're interested. Quebec Fertility Funding
August 19, 2010
So back to the craziness of work. My official start date was this Monday past, and I usually don't start that early, but due to the changes taking place this year, the school really needs extra hands. The income is good too, so I'm not going to complain too much! Jeff and I enjoyed a really great hike into the mountains this past weekend. We went out to Allstones Lake which is way out west by Abraham Lake. We stayed Friday night on Abraham for free (sweet) and then packed up our gear for an overnight hike up to Allstones Lake. We did the hike in about 3 1/2 hours and it was hard. Way harder than I remember from back in the day when I went up in junior high... oh so long ago... It was beautiful and we couldn't have asked for better weather. We were the only people on the entire mountain at night, and it was so still and quiet. Almost a little too quiet, as every snap, and rustle would make us paranoid about bears! We thankfuly didn't see any and had a great time relaxing and enjoying God's creation.
We have our follow up appointment with Motan on Monday and we are hoping he can give us a little more info as to why our cycle failed, and advice about what to do next. Although we went through quite a rough patch after finding out it didn't work, we are able to look back now and know that it wasn't without reason. Jeff and I have had a wonderful summer, and we have been more open to talking with eachother, and enjoying life. It makes you stronger, and that I can say that now without anger and doubt shows me that God is in control and it really is His timing. We're not going to anticipate so much and really just ride the ride of life as it comes. Ahh contentment, it feels good.
We have our follow up appointment with Motan on Monday and we are hoping he can give us a little more info as to why our cycle failed, and advice about what to do next. Although we went through quite a rough patch after finding out it didn't work, we are able to look back now and know that it wasn't without reason. Jeff and I have had a wonderful summer, and we have been more open to talking with eachother, and enjoying life. It makes you stronger, and that I can say that now without anger and doubt shows me that God is in control and it really is His timing. We're not going to anticipate so much and really just ride the ride of life as it comes. Ahh contentment, it feels good.
July 28, 2010
Summer Time
Ahh I love summer. There isn't stress form long days at work, and there's time to relax and enjoy this beautiful earth. We have had a great summer so far, and July, it seems has been one big vacation. Nothing wrong with that right?! :) Vegas, camping with my family, then out to Saskatchewan with Jeff's family. Wow, so blessed. I've been feeling really positive as well. I've come to grips with our failed cycle, and have been quite content playing and cuddling with my niece and nephew, then doing the hand off when their bums start to stink!! Being an Auntie is great :)
We will be heading out to a reunion this long weekend, for my Dad's side of the family, then we are already into August! A couple suprises came our way as well. My cousin Emily is getting married in September, and I'm so excited for her, she's found the greatest guy. My sister-in-law announced that they are expecting their 2nd in the begining of February. This news is a little bitter sweet, as it would be such an amazing experience to be able to go through pregnancy with her, we would be due right around the same time. But that's not God's plan and, you know what, I'm alright with that. I'm happy for them, and looking forward to another niece or nephew to spoil!
I've been doing a lot of yardwork and we're thinking of doing a little landscaping, so we'll see if our planning turns into reality. The drawings look good anyway!
Here's the two of us in Saskatchewan at the cabin on Jackfish Lake this past week. It was incredible there, and we all would like to go back again
We will be heading out to a reunion this long weekend, for my Dad's side of the family, then we are already into August! A couple suprises came our way as well. My cousin Emily is getting married in September, and I'm so excited for her, she's found the greatest guy. My sister-in-law announced that they are expecting their 2nd in the begining of February. This news is a little bitter sweet, as it would be such an amazing experience to be able to go through pregnancy with her, we would be due right around the same time. But that's not God's plan and, you know what, I'm alright with that. I'm happy for them, and looking forward to another niece or nephew to spoil!
I've been doing a lot of yardwork and we're thinking of doing a little landscaping, so we'll see if our planning turns into reality. The drawings look good anyway!
Here's the two of us in Saskatchewan at the cabin on Jackfish Lake this past week. It was incredible there, and we all would like to go back again
July 9, 2010
Our trip to Vegas was amazing! It was just the kind of trip we needed. The sites, the sounds the heat, it was all so great. Our bodies are still adjusting and trying to get back into routine after the trip. I guess staying up until 3am and sleeping until 11 isn't the greatest when you get back into the 'real' world. Poor Jeff caught a bad cold, and he had to go to work the next day and today. I'm getting packed up for a weekend in the mountains with my family. Looking forward to that. We just spent a lot of crazy times in the busy bright lights of Vegas, it will be refreshing to spend time in the beautiful outdoors, and relax in God's beauty. My good friend Carly and her daughter are coming to visit after the weekend and I'm really looking forward to some girl time :) Then it's off to Saskatchewan on July 18 for a week with the Van Niejenhuis clan. It's busy busy, but good. I'm so glad summer is here, it's been good so far. Here's photo of us at the Grand Canyon
June 25, 2010
After talking with Jeff and having some time to settle and cope, we are ready to share what has been going on for the past while. We feel (and me more so) that it will take a huge weight off our shoulders, and allow us to heal faster, than to keep it bottled up inside. So apologies for the back log of blogs, but I have been writing updates, just not posting them because we weren’t sure what the outcome was going to be, but we are ready to share now. You might want to get a snack, or some coffee, because there are events backtracked from quite a few dates here.
May 28 - So we had to go back into the clinic today for the donor to give blood and have another ultrasound to measure the eggs. This time things looked pretty good, but they wanted the follicles to grow a little more each one grew by about 2mm or so. One of the follicles was already at 20, so they talked about letting that one go, because they don’t like to have them over 25mm. So she will continue the Puregon and we’ll need to come back again tomorrow for the same thing. I was joking that I felt left out (not having any ultrasounds) but I had my share in the beginning, that’s for sure! So continued prayers that all the follies will grow and strengthen. Also for the donor and she’s feeling quite bloated and tired. Hope that tomorrow there are a good amount 18mm or more so she can take her trigger shot!
May 29 – Well, we made it to the appointment, and turns out that there are only 4 follies mature enough, and they’d like to have a few more. This was a big disappointment and we were so sure more would be ready. Just another reality check that you can’t get your hopes up and what’s that cliché saying?? Oh ya, don’t count your chickens before they’re hatched. Or my favorite, spending your tax refund before you find out you don’t get one. Anyway back in tomorrow for the same drill and this time I’m also getting one done to see how thick my lining is getting. I just feel so anxious and excited that every time we find out, “Oh one more day” it feels like a week and I thought I had relatively good patience, but I’m learning to have more. Donor needs to have another day on meds then take the HCG shot which will bring the follicles to final maturation. The ovaries then rest for a day, and then June 1 will be egg retrieval day!!! I’ll also have an ultrasound so they can check that my lining is the right thickness. I was beginning to feel left out, not having any ultrasounds for so long! Wow, this is so incredible, we can’t believe it. Jeff and I were talking about how way back when we thought we would never get to this point, and now that it’s here, we’re almost shocked. It really is amazing and we thank God for every part of this journey.
May 30 - Donor has to take her trigger shot tonight, because there are a decent amount off follicles ready!! The retrieval is scheduled for 8:30am Tuesday and we have to be there at 7:30 so she can get prepped and ready. They reassured us (her) that she will get medicine and will be very drowsy and won’t feel much at all. Prayers for her as she’s about to undergo the surgery, and that the eggs will by healthy and mature.
June 1 – EGG RETRIEVAL DAY!! We got into the clinic about 10 minutes late, so before I could give her a hug they whisked her away to get ready. I just waited patiently (more like anxiously!) in the waiting room. I brought a book but didn’t read much at all. I wrote in my journal a bit, but couldn’t really focus on that either. Then at about 8:30, Dr. Motan came strolling in from the elevator just getting to work, and I kinda thought, “Um, aren’t you supposed to be doing a retrieval right now!?” Anyway they must have got started shortly after that. About 20 min later a nurse came out and asked if Jeff was ready to give his specimen, and I looked at her like she was kidding, because he wasn’t there with us, but at work. I must admit I did freak out on her a little bit because no one told us that he was to be there right away in the morning. So she went to go talk to someone, and I madly text Jeff and said he needed to be here like 5 minutes ago. Poor guy I felt stressed out for him, talk about pressure. Then the embryologist talked to me and said as long as he’s here in the next 2 hrs. Oops, guess I panicked a bit. We had read that if doing ICSI that the specimen should be delivered 5 hrs after retrieval. The nurse at the clinic confessed that they haven’t done an egg donor cycle for quite some time, and that communication got a little mixed up. This perturbed me somewhat because you can’t be messing around with live eggs, making them wait for sperm and screwing up the whole fertilization process. So anyway, Jeff came and we talked for a bit, then he went to do his ‘thing’. Meanwhile donor came out of recovery and was actually quite with it aside from being really tired. They said she did very well, and last the nurse heard, they had retrieved over 12 eggs!!! Donor said she didn’t feel sore at all, just her wrist from where they put in the IV, so this was a big relief for both of us, as we were nervous about how it would be.
The nurse came back to tell us that we would get a call from the embryologist the next morning to let us know how many fertilized. The nurse also said that based on the quality of the eggs, that only transferring one embryo may be suggested. We’d rather not risk it with just one, so we still feel strongly about implanting two, since we’ve gone through all this. Also that it would most likely be a 5 day transfer which means that the embryos would grow and mature in the dish for 5 days making it that much stronger for implantation. Wow, I can’t wait for that phone call!!! What an awesome (but also nerve-wracking) day!!! Now, egg and sperm, get it on in that little dish!!!
June 2 – I got ‘the call’ today!!! My cell phone was in my hand all morning, just waiting for it! Here goes
Total of 24 eggs retrieved – 19 of them mature enough to fertilize. Sooo here’s the break down of the 19 eggies :
13 – fertilized viable embryos
3 – look to be viable (they need to keep monitoring them)
2 – didn’t like the sperm I guess, so they passed on the mating ;)
1 – RIP didn’t make it
So it looks like we will have 13 embryos for sure!!! Wow, craziness!! God’s hand was truly in this procedure and he created so many precious little lives!! The embryologist said that they look very good and he is quite happy with them. I had asked Jeff the night before if he wanted me to just wait until he got home from work to tell him how many, and he said, “No! Text me right away!” We are both so pumped and in shock of all these little embies!! We will definitely be freezing the ones we don’t implant and think about donating them to other couples in the future. So we for sure have some things to decide after implanting and getting a positive pregnancy.
The nurse also called and confirmed my ET (embryo transfer) date is Sunday June 6 (which also happens to be my nieces’ 1st birthday) at 8:30am. I’m so excited and nervous and anxious and full of joy all at the same time
June 6 – I fell asleep the night before quite well considering what was scheduled. This morning though, I woke up at 4:30, 5:30 pretty much every hour until 7 when I got up to take my meds and had a shower. We had to be at the clinic by 8:30 and I didn’t want to be late. I think Jeff was pretty excited as well. We got there and when they called us in Jeff had to wear a Dr. outfit, booties and cap included (he looked quite handsome) and me in the fashionable robe with booties and hair net. We went and sat in a little waiting room where the embryologist and nurse spoke with us while they were getting the room ready. I was pretty nervous and Jeff said the same thing. I was hoping and praying that it would be nothing like the HSG exam I had that hurt like crazy. The embryologist told us that he was very happy with the 2 embryos. One was graded at 4AA and the other 4AB. The first letter stands for the quality of the embryo and the second for the quality of the surrounding cells. So embryo 2 had one cell that didn’t quite fit (think of a cobblestone path, and one brick is out of place) We were extremely happy and felt so blessed to have such great embryos!!
Finally the room was ready and Motan came in. We could see the 2 little embies on the monitor, as they were waiting for the waterslide ride of their lives!! ( It didn’t even hurt at all!!! I couldn’t even feel the catheter go in, the speculum was a bit uncomfortable, but the rest was so easy. They loaded up the embies and we could see them move into me on the screen. Two little white dots (it was the fluid around that we were seeing) and that was that, they were in. We were both in shock, awe and full of emotion. There they were, two little embies that one day, Lord willing will grow to become our children. Jeff and I had a moment together, and I had to lay on the bed for 15 minutes before leaving. The nurse explained a few things to us, and then we were free to leave. It was over. After years of trying and going through treatments, and waiting, the day was here, and it was a 15 minute procedure. I’m still in a little bit of shock, to think that I have 2 little lives making a home in me is utterly amazing.
We went out for brunch, and Jeff said, “So what’s the babies first meal going to be?” I looked at him and then said, “What do you mean?” It totally took me by surprise to hear that, as nothing really seemed to have changed. Here’s to new beginnings and onto the next phase.
June 11 – I’ve been feeling quite crampy the last few days and I’m wondering what that’s all about. I’ve read that you could have cramps because the embryos are implanting, so hopefully that’s the case. I received a call from Dana, the embryologist, and he let me know that out of all the embryos, 6 of them made it to the freezing stage!!! So we have 6 in the cooler to use later or perhaps adopt out, which is something that Jeff and I need to discuss later on. We are so happy to have that many embryos and that they are all of AB or BA quality. I’m super excited for Tuesday to come, and I haven’t bought a pee stick, so yay for me! I’m anxious as well though, because of the cramping that it might be negative. But we’re trusting in God that he has a plan, and that whatever does happen He will provide. We get to babysit my 6 month old nephew tomorrow and I’m pretty excited, Jeff said it will be good practice!
June 14 – Tomorrow is the ‘Big Reveal’ and I’m so excited I can hardly think. I was making the stupidest mistakes at school today and the kids thought I was crazy, but my mind is a million miles elsewhere. I’m sure I’ll have my phone plastered to me all day, waiting for a call back. I’m labeled as PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise) and it sounds silly to me but also in the back of my head is the question, “What if it doesn’t work?” I guess we just need to rely on God to do His thing, but we’re praying really hard that the embies have stuck and they are growing strong.
June 15 – I got to the RAH blood lab at 8 and had my blood taken at 8:30. I was so nervous to have it taken, and I’m never nervous to give blood because I’ve done it soo often. But my heart was beating so fast and walking out of the clinic I was a little panicky. This time my blood would tell me if I was pregnant or not, and that was both exciting and frightening. I had my phone with me constantly in the morning and at 10am it was ringing with RAH as the display. I shut my door and answered. The first words I heard were “I’m sorry Tanya but I don’t have good news for you…” the rest of the conversation I heard in bits and pieces. The word ‘negative’ came out loud and clear though. The nurse also mentioned that as soon as I was able to, to call the office and book a follow up appointment with Motan because he’s already booking into September. I wasn’t too concerned about waiting, because I don’t think I’ll be able to go through everything again right away. When I hung up I was in shock, I was numb. How can this be? Everything was going so right, so smooth during implanting to now. I started beating myself up with the what if’s, and what had I done wrong? Then I broke down. I’ve never sobbed with such grief and emotion in my life. I wanted to call Jeff desperately, but I couldn’t upset him at work, I needed some time to cry, question, and be mad. So I spent about 10 min in my room, then I put on a face and went to work as usual, for the rest of the day, knowing that I had 2 dead embryos in my womb, that couldn’t find refuge to survive. I called Jeff at lunch and he was just as shocked as I was. Maybe they got the blood mixed up, it was just so ludicrous to think that it was negative. We hadn’t prepared ourselves fully for this result. We were both so confident and sure that it was going to be positive. When I got home that night, we hugged and cried for a long time. I needed to take a home pregnancy test so I could see a visual and get a little closure. I took a digital, and yes, it read negative. It was a big slap in the face.
June 25 - ….to this day I still have times where I think “I could be 2 months pregnant right now, but I’m not” and that really hits like a tonne of bricks. We’ve decided to take a much needed mental, physical, emotional, break, and we’ve planned a trip to Vegas. It busy there, it’s hot and has lots to see. So that is what we are focusing on right now, and it’s been a good distraction. We are ok with not trying again for a while because we need to have some distance from treatments for a while and wrap our heads around everything. So please pray for an emotional, physical and mental healing for both of us, and for a continued strength to trust God that in His time, He will bless us with a child.
May 28 - So we had to go back into the clinic today for the donor to give blood and have another ultrasound to measure the eggs. This time things looked pretty good, but they wanted the follicles to grow a little more each one grew by about 2mm or so. One of the follicles was already at 20, so they talked about letting that one go, because they don’t like to have them over 25mm. So she will continue the Puregon and we’ll need to come back again tomorrow for the same thing. I was joking that I felt left out (not having any ultrasounds) but I had my share in the beginning, that’s for sure! So continued prayers that all the follies will grow and strengthen. Also for the donor and she’s feeling quite bloated and tired. Hope that tomorrow there are a good amount 18mm or more so she can take her trigger shot!
May 29 – Well, we made it to the appointment, and turns out that there are only 4 follies mature enough, and they’d like to have a few more. This was a big disappointment and we were so sure more would be ready. Just another reality check that you can’t get your hopes up and what’s that cliché saying?? Oh ya, don’t count your chickens before they’re hatched. Or my favorite, spending your tax refund before you find out you don’t get one. Anyway back in tomorrow for the same drill and this time I’m also getting one done to see how thick my lining is getting. I just feel so anxious and excited that every time we find out, “Oh one more day” it feels like a week and I thought I had relatively good patience, but I’m learning to have more. Donor needs to have another day on meds then take the HCG shot which will bring the follicles to final maturation. The ovaries then rest for a day, and then June 1 will be egg retrieval day!!! I’ll also have an ultrasound so they can check that my lining is the right thickness. I was beginning to feel left out, not having any ultrasounds for so long! Wow, this is so incredible, we can’t believe it. Jeff and I were talking about how way back when we thought we would never get to this point, and now that it’s here, we’re almost shocked. It really is amazing and we thank God for every part of this journey.
May 30 - Donor has to take her trigger shot tonight, because there are a decent amount off follicles ready!! The retrieval is scheduled for 8:30am Tuesday and we have to be there at 7:30 so she can get prepped and ready. They reassured us (her) that she will get medicine and will be very drowsy and won’t feel much at all. Prayers for her as she’s about to undergo the surgery, and that the eggs will by healthy and mature.
June 1 – EGG RETRIEVAL DAY!! We got into the clinic about 10 minutes late, so before I could give her a hug they whisked her away to get ready. I just waited patiently (more like anxiously!) in the waiting room. I brought a book but didn’t read much at all. I wrote in my journal a bit, but couldn’t really focus on that either. Then at about 8:30, Dr. Motan came strolling in from the elevator just getting to work, and I kinda thought, “Um, aren’t you supposed to be doing a retrieval right now!?” Anyway they must have got started shortly after that. About 20 min later a nurse came out and asked if Jeff was ready to give his specimen, and I looked at her like she was kidding, because he wasn’t there with us, but at work. I must admit I did freak out on her a little bit because no one told us that he was to be there right away in the morning. So she went to go talk to someone, and I madly text Jeff and said he needed to be here like 5 minutes ago. Poor guy I felt stressed out for him, talk about pressure. Then the embryologist talked to me and said as long as he’s here in the next 2 hrs. Oops, guess I panicked a bit. We had read that if doing ICSI that the specimen should be delivered 5 hrs after retrieval. The nurse at the clinic confessed that they haven’t done an egg donor cycle for quite some time, and that communication got a little mixed up. This perturbed me somewhat because you can’t be messing around with live eggs, making them wait for sperm and screwing up the whole fertilization process. So anyway, Jeff came and we talked for a bit, then he went to do his ‘thing’. Meanwhile donor came out of recovery and was actually quite with it aside from being really tired. They said she did very well, and last the nurse heard, they had retrieved over 12 eggs!!! Donor said she didn’t feel sore at all, just her wrist from where they put in the IV, so this was a big relief for both of us, as we were nervous about how it would be.
The nurse came back to tell us that we would get a call from the embryologist the next morning to let us know how many fertilized. The nurse also said that based on the quality of the eggs, that only transferring one embryo may be suggested. We’d rather not risk it with just one, so we still feel strongly about implanting two, since we’ve gone through all this. Also that it would most likely be a 5 day transfer which means that the embryos would grow and mature in the dish for 5 days making it that much stronger for implantation. Wow, I can’t wait for that phone call!!! What an awesome (but also nerve-wracking) day!!! Now, egg and sperm, get it on in that little dish!!!
June 2 – I got ‘the call’ today!!! My cell phone was in my hand all morning, just waiting for it! Here goes
Total of 24 eggs retrieved – 19 of them mature enough to fertilize. Sooo here’s the break down of the 19 eggies :
13 – fertilized viable embryos
3 – look to be viable (they need to keep monitoring them)
2 – didn’t like the sperm I guess, so they passed on the mating ;)
1 – RIP didn’t make it
So it looks like we will have 13 embryos for sure!!! Wow, craziness!! God’s hand was truly in this procedure and he created so many precious little lives!! The embryologist said that they look very good and he is quite happy with them. I had asked Jeff the night before if he wanted me to just wait until he got home from work to tell him how many, and he said, “No! Text me right away!” We are both so pumped and in shock of all these little embies!! We will definitely be freezing the ones we don’t implant and think about donating them to other couples in the future. So we for sure have some things to decide after implanting and getting a positive pregnancy.
The nurse also called and confirmed my ET (embryo transfer) date is Sunday June 6 (which also happens to be my nieces’ 1st birthday) at 8:30am. I’m so excited and nervous and anxious and full of joy all at the same time
June 6 – I fell asleep the night before quite well considering what was scheduled. This morning though, I woke up at 4:30, 5:30 pretty much every hour until 7 when I got up to take my meds and had a shower. We had to be at the clinic by 8:30 and I didn’t want to be late. I think Jeff was pretty excited as well. We got there and when they called us in Jeff had to wear a Dr. outfit, booties and cap included (he looked quite handsome) and me in the fashionable robe with booties and hair net. We went and sat in a little waiting room where the embryologist and nurse spoke with us while they were getting the room ready. I was pretty nervous and Jeff said the same thing. I was hoping and praying that it would be nothing like the HSG exam I had that hurt like crazy. The embryologist told us that he was very happy with the 2 embryos. One was graded at 4AA and the other 4AB. The first letter stands for the quality of the embryo and the second for the quality of the surrounding cells. So embryo 2 had one cell that didn’t quite fit (think of a cobblestone path, and one brick is out of place) We were extremely happy and felt so blessed to have such great embryos!!
Finally the room was ready and Motan came in. We could see the 2 little embies on the monitor, as they were waiting for the waterslide ride of their lives!! ( It didn’t even hurt at all!!! I couldn’t even feel the catheter go in, the speculum was a bit uncomfortable, but the rest was so easy. They loaded up the embies and we could see them move into me on the screen. Two little white dots (it was the fluid around that we were seeing) and that was that, they were in. We were both in shock, awe and full of emotion. There they were, two little embies that one day, Lord willing will grow to become our children. Jeff and I had a moment together, and I had to lay on the bed for 15 minutes before leaving. The nurse explained a few things to us, and then we were free to leave. It was over. After years of trying and going through treatments, and waiting, the day was here, and it was a 15 minute procedure. I’m still in a little bit of shock, to think that I have 2 little lives making a home in me is utterly amazing.
We went out for brunch, and Jeff said, “So what’s the babies first meal going to be?” I looked at him and then said, “What do you mean?” It totally took me by surprise to hear that, as nothing really seemed to have changed. Here’s to new beginnings and onto the next phase.
June 11 – I’ve been feeling quite crampy the last few days and I’m wondering what that’s all about. I’ve read that you could have cramps because the embryos are implanting, so hopefully that’s the case. I received a call from Dana, the embryologist, and he let me know that out of all the embryos, 6 of them made it to the freezing stage!!! So we have 6 in the cooler to use later or perhaps adopt out, which is something that Jeff and I need to discuss later on. We are so happy to have that many embryos and that they are all of AB or BA quality. I’m super excited for Tuesday to come, and I haven’t bought a pee stick, so yay for me! I’m anxious as well though, because of the cramping that it might be negative. But we’re trusting in God that he has a plan, and that whatever does happen He will provide. We get to babysit my 6 month old nephew tomorrow and I’m pretty excited, Jeff said it will be good practice!
June 14 – Tomorrow is the ‘Big Reveal’ and I’m so excited I can hardly think. I was making the stupidest mistakes at school today and the kids thought I was crazy, but my mind is a million miles elsewhere. I’m sure I’ll have my phone plastered to me all day, waiting for a call back. I’m labeled as PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise) and it sounds silly to me but also in the back of my head is the question, “What if it doesn’t work?” I guess we just need to rely on God to do His thing, but we’re praying really hard that the embies have stuck and they are growing strong.
June 15 – I got to the RAH blood lab at 8 and had my blood taken at 8:30. I was so nervous to have it taken, and I’m never nervous to give blood because I’ve done it soo often. But my heart was beating so fast and walking out of the clinic I was a little panicky. This time my blood would tell me if I was pregnant or not, and that was both exciting and frightening. I had my phone with me constantly in the morning and at 10am it was ringing with RAH as the display. I shut my door and answered. The first words I heard were “I’m sorry Tanya but I don’t have good news for you…” the rest of the conversation I heard in bits and pieces. The word ‘negative’ came out loud and clear though. The nurse also mentioned that as soon as I was able to, to call the office and book a follow up appointment with Motan because he’s already booking into September. I wasn’t too concerned about waiting, because I don’t think I’ll be able to go through everything again right away. When I hung up I was in shock, I was numb. How can this be? Everything was going so right, so smooth during implanting to now. I started beating myself up with the what if’s, and what had I done wrong? Then I broke down. I’ve never sobbed with such grief and emotion in my life. I wanted to call Jeff desperately, but I couldn’t upset him at work, I needed some time to cry, question, and be mad. So I spent about 10 min in my room, then I put on a face and went to work as usual, for the rest of the day, knowing that I had 2 dead embryos in my womb, that couldn’t find refuge to survive. I called Jeff at lunch and he was just as shocked as I was. Maybe they got the blood mixed up, it was just so ludicrous to think that it was negative. We hadn’t prepared ourselves fully for this result. We were both so confident and sure that it was going to be positive. When I got home that night, we hugged and cried for a long time. I needed to take a home pregnancy test so I could see a visual and get a little closure. I took a digital, and yes, it read negative. It was a big slap in the face.
June 25 - ….to this day I still have times where I think “I could be 2 months pregnant right now, but I’m not” and that really hits like a tonne of bricks. We’ve decided to take a much needed mental, physical, emotional, break, and we’ve planned a trip to Vegas. It busy there, it’s hot and has lots to see. So that is what we are focusing on right now, and it’s been a good distraction. We are ok with not trying again for a while because we need to have some distance from treatments for a while and wrap our heads around everything. So please pray for an emotional, physical and mental healing for both of us, and for a continued strength to trust God that in His time, He will bless us with a child.
June 14, 2010
Wow, I haven’t posted in a while! Life has been BUSY and I honestly forgot about my blog! It's been the same ole' same ole' with treatments that it's like second nature to me, and therefore, I feel, nothing exciting to write about. So let’s see. I am still taking meds at 7am, 8am, 10am, 1pm, 6pm, 10pm and then again around 10:30 just before I fall exhausted onto my pillow. For a while it felt that my world was run by my medication schedule, but now that it's been so long, it's just another part of life. And what a life it is. School has been quite challenging as of late. What with finals approaching (2 days until the first one!!) and keeping the kids focused on studying and doing well. It's hard when you are excited for summer yourself. Speaking of which, I wasn't able to get work at the school for the summer, so my goal this week is to hand out resumes at a few retail places by our house. I will apply for EI, but my mom has this stipulation about volunteering my time if I am to go on EI :) (she wants me to be a camp counselor in Rocky for a week, so I'm thinking about it..) I know you are all anxiously waiting to hear more juicy news, but I really don't have any right now and wish I did :( You will just have to learn to wait (believe me I know all about that!) If you want, text me at one of the times I spoke about earlier, and say, "Tan, did you take your medication?" Boy, do I feel like a granny some days, I swear I need a pill box :)
June 2, 2010
Well we are realizing that we need to be even more patient. The donor isn't quite ready yet and there's no use in rushing anything, especially at this point. We are taking it one step at a time, and praying that all goes well with the follicles. My lining has been growing nicely and on schedule so that is also good.
School will be wrapping up so fast, and amidst all the fertility appts I really need to start finding something for the summer. I did apply at the Christian Credit Union (my sis-law worked there for a couple years before she left on mat leave) but alas I didn't get an interview. Oh well, it's alright because it would have been a 30-40 minute commute one way, yikes! A friend of mine at school said that her sister might need a replacement for the summer. She works as a perfume rep at a mall (Sears, Bay I'm really not sure) and I could pick my hours. 20 or 30 hours a week, and choose when my shifts would be as long as the hours are completed. So that's on the back burner. I'm also going to ask my principal if there's anything I can do at the school during the summer since we are turning into a K-9 and there are a lot of things changing. They are already starting renovations so it's a bit of a mad house at school. But like I posted before, I need to keep my stress down and just focus on the day to day. Lot's of things to consider!
School will be wrapping up so fast, and amidst all the fertility appts I really need to start finding something for the summer. I did apply at the Christian Credit Union (my sis-law worked there for a couple years before she left on mat leave) but alas I didn't get an interview. Oh well, it's alright because it would have been a 30-40 minute commute one way, yikes! A friend of mine at school said that her sister might need a replacement for the summer. She works as a perfume rep at a mall (Sears, Bay I'm really not sure) and I could pick my hours. 20 or 30 hours a week, and choose when my shifts would be as long as the hours are completed. So that's on the back burner. I'm also going to ask my principal if there's anything I can do at the school during the summer since we are turning into a K-9 and there are a lot of things changing. They are already starting renovations so it's a bit of a mad house at school. But like I posted before, I need to keep my stress down and just focus on the day to day. Lot's of things to consider!
May 27, 2010
Yet another reminder that God is in control. Donor had her blood work and ultrasound done yesterday morning, and we found out that she is responding very well (almost too good) to the stim injections. We were able to count about 20 follicles between both ovaries. Most of them being on the left side and ranging in size from 8mm to one being 16mm. This is a good sign as there will be a high likely hood of multiple eggs reaching maturity at 20mm, but also a bit of a scare for us as they were concerned that she may be at risk for hyper stimulation. Hyper stimulation is when your ovaries get stimulated too much and excess fluid can start leaking into your abdominal cavity, and can be life threatening if severe symptoms are present. Most woman undergoing stims do show signs of hyper stimulation but are in the mild range (because what body is used to being an egg factory!?). After getting a phone call about her blood work, Dr. Motan is happy and confident with what he saw and isn’t worried about hyper stimulation being severe. This was a huge relief as we had left the clinic yesterday quite stressed out and worried after hearing ‘life threatening’. It was a very scary ‘cliff hanger’ afternoon, until that phone call. She’s not quite in the clear as she will have 2 more days of stims, but everything’s looking good. She will need to come in Friday for another blood test and ultrasound, and by then there should be a decent amount of eggs at a good size (20-22mm)
I have been doing ok with my meds, but I’m not really focused on myself right now though, because all I can think of is the donor and her little eggies that need to grow! Timeline is still uncertain, but yet again, one step closer!
I have been doing ok with my meds, but I’m not really focused on myself right now though, because all I can think of is the donor and her little eggies that need to grow! Timeline is still uncertain, but yet again, one step closer!
May 25, 2010
We had a good weekend camping, despite the cold and rainy weather. I think the highlight of the trip for me was watching Jeff with our nephew. It was so heartwarming to see my hubby (who typically balks at babies) play, hold and cuddle him. We went for a walk with the baby while my brother and sister in law were packing up, and Jeff held him the whole time, he didn't even freak out when he got puke all over him! To watch Jeff with our niece or nephew brings me such joy in the fact that one day he will be holding OUR baby and playing and laughing with him. I anticipate this soo much and can't wait for the day it will happen. God has been so good to us these past few years. Getting us through pains, fears, sorrows, financial pressure, He truly has a plan.
May 19, 2010
God is Good. Our prayers were answered for a successful ultrasound today for both donor and I. Both ultrasounds came up 'quiet' which means that nothing abnormal was going on in the 'home front' and ovaries were suppressed (exactly on schedule). So we both get to start up on the next phase of treatment tomorrow. Myself taking Estrace to grow my lining to that magic number of 9mm again, and the donor to start her Puregon injections to grow her follicles to the magic number of 20-22mm. Both of us are really feeling the Suprefact nasal meds in terms of having headaches everyday. The other night, I ended up going to bed at 9:30 because it was so painful (and because it's drug induced, Tylenol didn't seem to help at all) Thankfully our donor gets to cut her Suprefact in half starting tomorrow, so hopefully that will help with her headaches.
I'm trying really hard to ease stress out of my life, I typically let things get to me and I worry about them a lot. At work, I need to realize that I can't do it all, so that I'm able to come home and not be at the end of my rope, and be worn right out. Our timeline is a bit unknown right now, but I just keep reminding myself that we're one step closer, and Jeff and I are getting very anxious and excited! Thanks again for all your prayers, thoughts and support. We are going out camping this weekend with family, so it should be a great way to get my mind off all this for a while (I must admit it's been a little consuming lately) and just relax and enjoy life :)
I'm trying really hard to ease stress out of my life, I typically let things get to me and I worry about them a lot. At work, I need to realize that I can't do it all, so that I'm able to come home and not be at the end of my rope, and be worn right out. Our timeline is a bit unknown right now, but I just keep reminding myself that we're one step closer, and Jeff and I are getting very anxious and excited! Thanks again for all your prayers, thoughts and support. We are going out camping this weekend with family, so it should be a great way to get my mind off all this for a while (I must admit it's been a little consuming lately) and just relax and enjoy life :)
May 14, 2010
Thanking and Praying
Our egg donor is the most wonderful woman I know. Without her, our journey thus far would’ve been much more difficult. God's timing was perfect and an answer to our prayers when He brought us together. What she is going through now is only the beginning of treatment, and it's hard on her. I only wish that I could take her place, and that she wouldn’t have to go through this. But she is, for us, and it’s so amazing that we can’t say thank you enough. How do you even begin to describe the kindness of an egg donor? She is the one that is helping us become pregnant. Never in my life did I think that I would need to rely on another woman’s strength and willingness to be able to have a family. Aside from this though, she has her limits, and the meds are taking a toll on her emotionally/physically, and even though she is such a strong woman, she needs support through prayer. As you're thinking about Jeff and I, please send a prayer up for our donor as well, we wouldn't be this far without her, and her medications/procedures are only going to get tougher.
"Lord I praise and thank you for the wonderful gift of our donor. I pray that you will wrap your arms around her, protect and comfort her. Give her the strength and the courage as she pushes through these treatments. I pray that her body will respond properly to the meds, and that she will find refuge in You during troubled times, and feel Your peace cover over her."
"Lord I praise and thank you for the wonderful gift of our donor. I pray that you will wrap your arms around her, protect and comfort her. Give her the strength and the courage as she pushes through these treatments. I pray that her body will respond properly to the meds, and that she will find refuge in You during troubled times, and feel Your peace cover over her."
May 12, 2010
reflections
I recently had a conversation with a friend from church and after our visit she prayed for Jeff and I. This really touched me, for in her prayer she said, “…God I know that it is Your desire for us to have children, and to raise them according to Your ways, so I pray that you would be with and bless these two as they are struggling with infertility...” It really got me thinking later that yes, God does desire for us to have children. So I started doing some digging around and looked back through my journal at earlier dates, and pulled out some thoughts that I’d like to share on my blog. First there are a few stories that I read about way back when I was first diagnosed, and read through them again recently. This first one is about Sarah:
Sarah’s Story
God is faithful to his promises. What he promised to Abraham and Sarah he was faithful in fulfilling. God does not make this exact same promise to each of us but we do learn something else from Sarah's story:
God is the giver of life and he can bring about miracles. We do not know what God may be doing in our lives - even when it seems like he is not doing anything at all. God can surprise us!
Even though Sarah doubted that she would have a child and even laughed when God said you shall give birth to a son, because she was well past the age of child bearing years, he fulfilled His promise to her. God had a plan, a purpose and a will for Sarah and Abraham’s lives. What we are going through in our journey as well is a part of God’s plan and in His timing he will bless us with what we need.
Hannah’s Story
God wants us to turn to him. We don't have to pretend we are without pain, but can give this to God and know that he can answer our prayers.
"In bitterness of soul Hannah wept much and prayed to the LORD."
In Hannah's words - "I am a woman who is deeply troubled... pouring out my soul to the LORD... out of my great anguish and grief." (1 Samuel 1:10-16)
There is no pretense that she is not hurting, not blindly trusting God but really wrestling with the pain of infertility.
I know that I can also take my pain to the creator and pour out my soul to him, and on the flip side take all my joys to Him as well. God doesn’t intend for us to suffer although it may be hard to see at the time. I know when I was first diagnosed it was very difficult to see my pain and suffering as part of God’s intended plan for my life. Looking back now, He has made me stronger in my faith and my relationship not only with Him, but also with the people that I love, grow stronger.
“Faith to move mountains”
Sarah’s Story
God is faithful to his promises. What he promised to Abraham and Sarah he was faithful in fulfilling. God does not make this exact same promise to each of us but we do learn something else from Sarah's story:
God is the giver of life and he can bring about miracles. We do not know what God may be doing in our lives - even when it seems like he is not doing anything at all. God can surprise us!
Even though Sarah doubted that she would have a child and even laughed when God said you shall give birth to a son, because she was well past the age of child bearing years, he fulfilled His promise to her. God had a plan, a purpose and a will for Sarah and Abraham’s lives. What we are going through in our journey as well is a part of God’s plan and in His timing he will bless us with what we need.
Hannah’s Story
God wants us to turn to him. We don't have to pretend we are without pain, but can give this to God and know that he can answer our prayers.
"In bitterness of soul Hannah wept much and prayed to the LORD."
In Hannah's words - "I am a woman who is deeply troubled... pouring out my soul to the LORD... out of my great anguish and grief." (1 Samuel 1:10-16)
There is no pretense that she is not hurting, not blindly trusting God but really wrestling with the pain of infertility.
I know that I can also take my pain to the creator and pour out my soul to him, and on the flip side take all my joys to Him as well. God doesn’t intend for us to suffer although it may be hard to see at the time. I know when I was first diagnosed it was very difficult to see my pain and suffering as part of God’s intended plan for my life. Looking back now, He has made me stronger in my faith and my relationship not only with Him, but also with the people that I love, grow stronger.
“Faith to move mountains”
May 6, 2010
So I had a great bootcamp class tonight. I'm trying to get in better shape so that I'm healthier for baby carrying (Lord willing!) I start my Suprefact tomorrow, and I'll tell you I'm not looking forward to having headaches all the time again.
Good friends of ours just had a baby girl on Tuesday night, and it's so crazy because out of all the friends/family members that have had children in the past year or so, Jeff (hubby) and I have guessed the gender right everytime! :) It's kinda funny. So ya, sniffing starts tomorrow and donor will be starting her stims later this month. Yikes it's going so fast, and my job at school is almost over too need to start looking for a summer job, wow craziness!!
Good friends of ours just had a baby girl on Tuesday night, and it's so crazy because out of all the friends/family members that have had children in the past year or so, Jeff (hubby) and I have guessed the gender right everytime! :) It's kinda funny. So ya, sniffing starts tomorrow and donor will be starting her stims later this month. Yikes it's going so fast, and my job at school is almost over too need to start looking for a summer job, wow craziness!!
May 1, 2010
It's been awhile since I last posted. A) our internet was down for 5 days and B) honestly I've been procrastinating :) I am still taking BC and our donor has been on her Suprefact nasal spray since April 28. Poor girl, she's having headaches all the time and even getting a little nausea, and I told her I wish I could say it goes away, but it doesn't. Please pray for some relief for her. I start my Suprefact on May 7, so I'll be sharing the headache 'joys' with her. We have a rough timeline set, but it all depends on how she responds to the stim injections when she starts them, which will be later in May. We are getting quite anxious and excited!
On the drive out to Red Deer to visit Brad and Corinna last weekend, we pretty much talked the whole way about names, and actually came up with quite a few that we could both agree on. This is truly amazing, since we could never agree on them before, but low and behold we've forgotten most of them, and besides, I'm sure we'll change our minds again anyway. I do have my heart set on a couple names, and I'm working on having him warm up to them! :) We are also keeping the mindset of having one healthy baby and making that our focus. If God decides to give us two, then we will feel extremely blessed, but having one beautiful child would make us quite happy and thankful =D
On the drive out to Red Deer to visit Brad and Corinna last weekend, we pretty much talked the whole way about names, and actually came up with quite a few that we could both agree on. This is truly amazing, since we could never agree on them before, but low and behold we've forgotten most of them, and besides, I'm sure we'll change our minds again anyway. I do have my heart set on a couple names, and I'm working on having him warm up to them! :) We are also keeping the mindset of having one healthy baby and making that our focus. If God decides to give us two, then we will feel extremely blessed, but having one beautiful child would make us quite happy and thankful =D
April 19, 2010
Fri/Sat ultrasounds
The doctor who did my ultrasound on Friday wasn't sure if my uterus had transitioned enough and wanted me to come back again the next morning and have Dr, M look at it. The nurse also wanted our donor there for us to sign paperwork and go over the procedure. I’m so thankful for the flexibility my wonderful donor has. She basically had no notice and had to leave early in the morning to get to the clinic on Saturday by 9:45. I’m so thankful for her!!!
The clinic typically isn’t open on Saturdays so we had to wait outside of the elevator to be let up by a nurse. I think there were only 2 other appts there, so it was weird to see it so empty and dark. I was praying hard the whole time that this would be the end of the mock cycle. I have to say, clinics can be very awkward, the nurse assumed that my donor and her boyfriend (he came along for support) were going to come into the ultrasound with us. So after a little bit of nervous laughter on all our parts, I got it sorted out that, yes my husband would come in with me, and the other two could go back to the waiting room. Anyhoo, Motan confirmed that yes my uterus had transitioned and I was officially done the mock cycle!!! Yay, we were so relieved and happy to hear this! Afterwards we all met with Motan to sign a pile of paperwork (mostly for legal reasons, and consents) It was like signing papers for a house, so many of them, but they are done and out of the way now. I was allowed to quit my meds on Sunday (praise the Lord!) and will be starting on birth control (yes, sounds ironic) on Wednesday. I need to take them 31 days straight, then 4 days off. This is to keep my cycle regular and make it easier for syncing. Rhonda (IFV nurse) should be phoning me today to set up scheduling for myself and the donor and get our cycles matched up!! Motan informed the donor that he would be retrieving 8 eggs, and that he has to poke the needle in each time. Jeff's cousin went through this egg retrieval process and it was very painful, so please pray for our donor, as she will be going through quite a lot in the next little while. We praise and thank God that the mock was successful and now we ask for His blessing on the timing and syncing of our cycles.
*update, no phone call from Rhonda yet, hopefuly tomorrow...
The clinic typically isn’t open on Saturdays so we had to wait outside of the elevator to be let up by a nurse. I think there were only 2 other appts there, so it was weird to see it so empty and dark. I was praying hard the whole time that this would be the end of the mock cycle. I have to say, clinics can be very awkward, the nurse assumed that my donor and her boyfriend (he came along for support) were going to come into the ultrasound with us. So after a little bit of nervous laughter on all our parts, I got it sorted out that, yes my husband would come in with me, and the other two could go back to the waiting room. Anyhoo, Motan confirmed that yes my uterus had transitioned and I was officially done the mock cycle!!! Yay, we were so relieved and happy to hear this! Afterwards we all met with Motan to sign a pile of paperwork (mostly for legal reasons, and consents) It was like signing papers for a house, so many of them, but they are done and out of the way now. I was allowed to quit my meds on Sunday (praise the Lord!) and will be starting on birth control (yes, sounds ironic) on Wednesday. I need to take them 31 days straight, then 4 days off. This is to keep my cycle regular and make it easier for syncing. Rhonda (IFV nurse) should be phoning me today to set up scheduling for myself and the donor and get our cycles matched up!! Motan informed the donor that he would be retrieving 8 eggs, and that he has to poke the needle in each time. Jeff's cousin went through this egg retrieval process and it was very painful, so please pray for our donor, as she will be going through quite a lot in the next little while. We praise and thank God that the mock was successful and now we ask for His blessing on the timing and syncing of our cycles.
*update, no phone call from Rhonda yet, hopefuly tomorrow...
April 14, 2010
roll•er-coast•er roʊ lərˌkoʊ stər,ˈroʊ lɪ-Show Spelled[roh-ler-koh-ster, roh-li-]
–verb (used without object)
1.
to go up and down like a roller coaster; rise and fall: a narrow road roller-coastering around the mountain; a light boat roller-coastering over the waves.
2.
to experience a period of prosperity, happiness, security, or the like, followed by a contrasting period of economic depression, despair, or the like: The economy was roller-coastering throughout most of the decade.
Yup that pretty much sums me up. I feel so depressed and angry today. I had what seems like the 100th ultrasound this morning, only to be told that I’m not where I need to be so I have to continue shoving the meds. It’s so frustrating. The appt was for 10:30 (the actual u/s only taking 5 mins) and we weren’t out until 12:15. Waiting sucks. On top of that I had to have a speculum shoved in me because I have been very sore and irritated, most likely an infection. Good thing the med she prescribed for that can be taken orally. *excuse the details, but this blog is my diary. I actually do write in a real diary and trust me this blog is PG13
So I go back in on Friday for my 101st ultrasound. I just want this pill shoving to be over, my body is not meant for this. It’s not meant for any of this. Sigh. Again I’m reminded about why Jeff is so right about not getting on the excited high when things are going well, because it makes the ride down more rough. Oh well, it’s not the end of the world, just another hick up. I’m ok and thankful for the fact that we can make adjustments now so that the real cycle will have all the glitches worked out
–verb (used without object)
1.
to go up and down like a roller coaster; rise and fall: a narrow road roller-coastering around the mountain; a light boat roller-coastering over the waves.
2.
to experience a period of prosperity, happiness, security, or the like, followed by a contrasting period of economic depression, despair, or the like: The economy was roller-coastering throughout most of the decade.
Yup that pretty much sums me up. I feel so depressed and angry today. I had what seems like the 100th ultrasound this morning, only to be told that I’m not where I need to be so I have to continue shoving the meds. It’s so frustrating. The appt was for 10:30 (the actual u/s only taking 5 mins) and we weren’t out until 12:15. Waiting sucks. On top of that I had to have a speculum shoved in me because I have been very sore and irritated, most likely an infection. Good thing the med she prescribed for that can be taken orally. *excuse the details, but this blog is my diary. I actually do write in a real diary and trust me this blog is PG13
So I go back in on Friday for my 101st ultrasound. I just want this pill shoving to be over, my body is not meant for this. It’s not meant for any of this. Sigh. Again I’m reminded about why Jeff is so right about not getting on the excited high when things are going well, because it makes the ride down more rough. Oh well, it’s not the end of the world, just another hick up. I’m ok and thankful for the fact that we can make adjustments now so that the real cycle will have all the glitches worked out
April 11, 2010
Ultrasound update
More good news! I went in for the 2nd IVF ultrasound and my lining has grown to 9mm!!!! Yay! :) The lining is still 3 layers, nice and thick whoo hoo (but my boobs are sure complaining! ;) ) So tomorrow signifies 'day 1' where I stop my Suprefact and start vaginal Prometrium 2 tabs 3xday, along with the vaginal Estrace that I've been taking. I go in again April 14 ('day 3') for another IVF ultrasound to ensure that the endometrial lining has transitioned from the proliferative to secretory phase. So in plain English it mean to go from a lining that has been growing and building up to shedding it all out, so we can start it all over again for the real cycle. Motan feels very confident about the embryo placement because he was already in my cervix during my HSG exam that I won't need to do a mock embryo transfer. So my mock cycle will be over on Wednesday (April 14) I will be talking with Rhonda after my ultrasound Wed about starting myself and the donor with our meds to get our cycles synced. Wow, craziness!!
April 9, 2010
IVF ultrasound
I had my IVF ultrasound this morning to check the progress of my lining. Jeff came with me since he had the day off. We had a different doctor do the ultrasound and she was very informative and asked me questions about how I was feeling and if I had any side effects/questions. She was very nice and yes I did have tender boobs and some other side effects for the last 2 days, and she said, "Great that means the Estrace is absorbing!" So we did the test and my lining is measuring at 7.2mm (soooo close!!!) and it’s all good because the meds are doing there job, I just need a couple more days on the Estrace and nasal spray and have another ultrasound. So the 2nd one was booked for April 15, but the nurse called back after talking with Motan and said he'd like for me to come in Sun April 11 for the ultrasound instead (he must assume that it should only take a couple days to get to that 8mm, I agree, since it's grown this much already) Also more good news that my uterus is nice and big in size (5 cm) and has 3 layers (apparently good:) ) and the Dr. said that if she hadn't known I was on supplements that she'd assume I had a perfectly normal looking uterus and lining. Yay! I look normal again in there!!
So by Sunday it should be at 8mm for sure and then my mock cycle will be over about 5 days after that!!! It's a bit crazy because I'm also going on a ski trip with friends so I had to make last minute arrangements today to get home Saturday night from Jasper, instead of Sunday night. So I miss out on a night in Jasper and a day of skiing, but I have priorities and I can't wait to get to the end of the mock cycle!!! Thanks again to all of you for prayers, e-mails of support and staying with me through all my rollercoaster moods! Luv you all!!
So by Sunday it should be at 8mm for sure and then my mock cycle will be over about 5 days after that!!! It's a bit crazy because I'm also going on a ski trip with friends so I had to make last minute arrangements today to get home Saturday night from Jasper, instead of Sunday night. So I miss out on a night in Jasper and a day of skiing, but I have priorities and I can't wait to get to the end of the mock cycle!!! Thanks again to all of you for prayers, e-mails of support and staying with me through all my rollercoaster moods! Luv you all!!
April 7, 2010
flip flop moods
It’s been over 2 years since we first began trying to have a baby and over 5 years of POF symptoms. Today I’ve been in the mindset of reflecting over what we’ve been through, and of course continually going through. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how planned this is. There’s a whole timeline of ‘events’, schedules to keep and medications to take at precise times. The excitement is getting lost in this whole process and I feel as if I’m just going through the motions of ‘doing what needs to be done’; following rules and guidelines because it will lead to ‘success’. It’s all so clinical now and I don’t feel that urgent sense of anticipation. Have I lost my desire for children?? No, how can I possibly! And yet making my way through all the corners and dead ends of the infertility maze, I find myself not focusing on the precious end result, but rather drawing my attention to taking the right turns, choosing the right way and doing it all in a timely manner.
Yes, I’m thankful for our donor, the advances in technology, the support, all of it. Yet it all takes away from the excitement of “Wow, we are pregnant!!! We weren’t sure if it would happen and it did!! I guess we are due on ...” It’s different for us; I know the timeline of the mock cycle, I will know the schedule for egg retrieval and embryo implant. When it all boils down, I think I’m feeling jealous about a natural pregnancy being more exciting because you haven’t spent 2-4 years anticipating and working towards it, and that it almost feels like work. I could really take it or leave it at this moment, honestly. I know that sounds ludicrous. I WANT CHILDREN, I really do, but I’m so content right now with life (minus watching the clock at all time to snort meds, shove them up places, and swallow them) I love spending time with my niece and nephew, with my best friends little girl, and other children, heck I work at a school!! I wonder if I’m either so used to riding the infertility rollercoaster, or have just become somewhat numb to the whole process. I know I’ll sound contradictory here, but I absolutely can’t wait to hold our own precious babe, I just want the excitement back, is it too much to ask? I blame the meds for my crazy moods!!!
Yes, I’m thankful for our donor, the advances in technology, the support, all of it. Yet it all takes away from the excitement of “Wow, we are pregnant!!! We weren’t sure if it would happen and it did!! I guess we are due on ...” It’s different for us; I know the timeline of the mock cycle, I will know the schedule for egg retrieval and embryo implant. When it all boils down, I think I’m feeling jealous about a natural pregnancy being more exciting because you haven’t spent 2-4 years anticipating and working towards it, and that it almost feels like work. I could really take it or leave it at this moment, honestly. I know that sounds ludicrous. I WANT CHILDREN, I really do, but I’m so content right now with life (minus watching the clock at all time to snort meds, shove them up places, and swallow them) I love spending time with my niece and nephew, with my best friends little girl, and other children, heck I work at a school!! I wonder if I’m either so used to riding the infertility rollercoaster, or have just become somewhat numb to the whole process. I know I’ll sound contradictory here, but I absolutely can’t wait to hold our own precious babe, I just want the excitement back, is it too much to ask? I blame the meds for my crazy moods!!!
April 2, 2010
about half way through mock cycle
I had my baseline ultrasound and blood work done on March 30, to see that I was adequately suppressed and to determine how thick my lining is. I am suppressed enough at this point and my lining is about 3.5mm thick, which is where it needs to be. I am now taking Estrace 3xday to grown my lining to the magic number of 8mm. On April 9th I will have another IVF ultrasound to measure, and if it is 8mm or thicker than I move on the final stages of the mock cycle (a couple days on a different drug and a mock embryo transfer) So we're very thankful to be at this stage and that everything is going as it should be. Easter has brought time for us to visit with family and friends and seeing little nieces and nephews, makes us even more excited for what's to come.
'Lord thank you for your ever present grace'
'Lord thank you for your ever present grace'
March 23, 2010
more pondering..
I came across this video while looking at a blog. It's a great interview about twins that were born through Invitro.
Again, and again I come back to the question to tell or not, and if so when? Who is the REAL mother. Looking back at a previous post I wrote which talked about the egg donor providing the 'blue prints' and the carrying woman 'building and shaping the house' is a great analogy to who 'mom' is. To look at an explanation of real in a different way, here is an excerpt from a novel by Margery Williams 'The Skin Horse and the Velveteen Rabbit'(a story about two stuffed animals)...
"What is real?" asked the Rabbit one day.
"Real isn't how you were made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, really loves you, then you become real."
"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.
"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse. "When you are real, you don't mind being hurt."
"Does it happen all at once?" the Rabbit asked.
"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are real, most of you has been loved off, and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."
Interesting.
Again, and again I come back to the question to tell or not, and if so when? Who is the REAL mother. Looking back at a previous post I wrote which talked about the egg donor providing the 'blue prints' and the carrying woman 'building and shaping the house' is a great analogy to who 'mom' is. To look at an explanation of real in a different way, here is an excerpt from a novel by Margery Williams 'The Skin Horse and the Velveteen Rabbit'(a story about two stuffed animals)...
"What is real?" asked the Rabbit one day.
"Real isn't how you were made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, really loves you, then you become real."
"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.
"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse. "When you are real, you don't mind being hurt."
"Does it happen all at once?" the Rabbit asked.
"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are real, most of you has been loved off, and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."
Interesting.
March 22, 2010
Headaches
Since starting the Suprefact nasal spray, I've been having headaches everyday. Usualy they are just mild, but by the end of the day there's so much pressure on the sides of my head. I've read on forums that it's a common side affect, so I'm really looking forward to the day when I don't need to take it anymore. So a little complaining about that, but otherwise I'm still feeling positive about the spray doing it's job of getting my lining all plump and juicy :)
We're still waiting for a call from Rhonda about Jeff and I having a counseling session together. I'm thinking that will hapen soon, and that we will also find out about the blood work from the donor.
We're still waiting for a call from Rhonda about Jeff and I having a counseling session together. I'm thinking that will hapen soon, and that we will also find out about the blood work from the donor.
March 17, 2010
no turning back
I started my nasal spray today, and yuck, I've realized not to breathe in too deeply otherwise the nasty stuff goes straight to the back of your throat! I foolishly started my Estrace meds as well (I'm supposed to start them in about 10 days) man, I must be tired. So needless to say I have a little extra in me, but I'm not worried about it.
There is no turning back once the treatment train is rolling. I officially put down $200 (registration fee) on the Visa today and we need to have the big bulk of it (I'll spare you the horrific numbers because I don't want you to have nightmares) paid in about a week. Wow, we are in this for the long haul, good thing we've been saving like mad, but I will have to cut back on my crème egg expenditures this Easter :) The 'light at the end of the tunnel' so to speak, is what I'm keeping my eye on, and it keeps getting brighter!
There is no turning back once the treatment train is rolling. I officially put down $200 (registration fee) on the Visa today and we need to have the big bulk of it (I'll spare you the horrific numbers because I don't want you to have nightmares) paid in about a week. Wow, we are in this for the long haul, good thing we've been saving like mad, but I will have to cut back on my crème egg expenditures this Easter :) The 'light at the end of the tunnel' so to speak, is what I'm keeping my eye on, and it keeps getting brighter!
March 9, 2010
Counseling
coun•sel•ing ˈkaʊn sə lɪŋ Show Spelled[koun-suh-ling]
–nounPsychology.
Professional guidance in resolving personal conflicts and emotional problems.
I have an appointment with Barbra (psychology counselor) on March 12 at 10:00. I’ve never been to a counselor before and I wonder if all the feelings that I thought I have been managing, will all of a sudden pour out. I’m assuming we’ll talk about why I feel going through in vitro is the best course of action, how I feel about my children being not biologically mine etc. As of right now I feel ok with this fact, and have accepted it. The love and support of our wonderful donor definitely helps with this. Jeff and I feel that this is the direction the God is pointing us in and the timing of it all was just amazing. It’s hard to see it when you are in the thick of disappointment and wondering what to do next, but that was just the right time for God to step in and say, “Trust me”.
.......
The appointment went really well. At first it was a bit awkward because I wasn't sure what I was supposed to talk about, and she wasn't really asking a lot of questions. I ended up telling her about our whole journey thus far and how happy we are with where we're at now. Yes, I did cry and Barbra even cried along with me. She said that she is very impressed with my outlook and how I've overcome all these obstacles. She also realized how important my faith is to me and that He is the one who has gotten me through everything so far. My homework from the session is to get things out in the open so that Jeff, myself and the donor are all on the same page in terms of how much info to share with people and legal issues. Rhonda(IVF nurse) will be booking another session for Jeff and I together, then one with us and donor. So that will happen in the next little bit.
And no, I didn't lay in a lounge couch! :)
–nounPsychology.
Professional guidance in resolving personal conflicts and emotional problems.
I have an appointment with Barbra (psychology counselor) on March 12 at 10:00. I’ve never been to a counselor before and I wonder if all the feelings that I thought I have been managing, will all of a sudden pour out. I’m assuming we’ll talk about why I feel going through in vitro is the best course of action, how I feel about my children being not biologically mine etc. As of right now I feel ok with this fact, and have accepted it. The love and support of our wonderful donor definitely helps with this. Jeff and I feel that this is the direction the God is pointing us in and the timing of it all was just amazing. It’s hard to see it when you are in the thick of disappointment and wondering what to do next, but that was just the right time for God to step in and say, “Trust me”.
.......
The appointment went really well. At first it was a bit awkward because I wasn't sure what I was supposed to talk about, and she wasn't really asking a lot of questions. I ended up telling her about our whole journey thus far and how happy we are with where we're at now. Yes, I did cry and Barbra even cried along with me. She said that she is very impressed with my outlook and how I've overcome all these obstacles. She also realized how important my faith is to me and that He is the one who has gotten me through everything so far. My homework from the session is to get things out in the open so that Jeff, myself and the donor are all on the same page in terms of how much info to share with people and legal issues. Rhonda(IVF nurse) will be booking another session for Jeff and I together, then one with us and donor. So that will happen in the next little bit.
And no, I didn't lay in a lounge couch! :)
February 26, 2010
Heading in the right direction
So the appointment went very well!! Jeff and I are super excited and feeling really positive. It was so good to hang out with our wonderful (and loved :) ) donor. We'll be seeing a lot of each other in the next few months and I'm really looking forward to that.
So here's the update:
My new prescription is ready to be picked up. I would have started on them March 1, but surprise, surprise my period started for the second time this month so I will have to wait the 21 days and start my new meds on March 17. So this pushes things back a bit, but nothing I can't handle! The new meds for my mock cycle are low dose aspirin, and a nasal spray that I need to squirt in each nostril 4x/day. The purpose of a mock cycle is to determine that my body will respond appropriately so that implantation will be successful. The spray suppresses my cycle and gets my lining built up nice and thick. After being on the spray for 10 days, I'm to have an ultrasound to measure my lining and determine if it is the perfect little nest for embryos. In the meantime the donor will have all her blood work, testing and info done. We will then attend counselling all together, (that Motan will set up) near the end of March/beginning of April. If all is well and the paperwork is done we will begin the real IVF cycle (where our cycles will be synced, egg extraction, fertilization, then implantation) more on this later…
Jeff and I have been through so much and have waited for so long, that now the ball is rolling it all seems to be happening so fast! We are so blessed by our Father, and are assured and at peace with His will with where we are at right now; with our relationship, with the timing of having our precious donor offer this amazing gift, and reminding us through His amazing love, that He has a plan for everything. Continuing to trust in Him for the next few weeks ahead in hearing good news about my meds working, the donor's testing to come through positively and paperwork to go smoothly. Thank you family and friends also for your continued prayers and support.
So here's the update:
My new prescription is ready to be picked up. I would have started on them March 1, but surprise, surprise my period started for the second time this month so I will have to wait the 21 days and start my new meds on March 17. So this pushes things back a bit, but nothing I can't handle! The new meds for my mock cycle are low dose aspirin, and a nasal spray that I need to squirt in each nostril 4x/day. The purpose of a mock cycle is to determine that my body will respond appropriately so that implantation will be successful. The spray suppresses my cycle and gets my lining built up nice and thick. After being on the spray for 10 days, I'm to have an ultrasound to measure my lining and determine if it is the perfect little nest for embryos. In the meantime the donor will have all her blood work, testing and info done. We will then attend counselling all together, (that Motan will set up) near the end of March/beginning of April. If all is well and the paperwork is done we will begin the real IVF cycle (where our cycles will be synced, egg extraction, fertilization, then implantation) more on this later…
Jeff and I have been through so much and have waited for so long, that now the ball is rolling it all seems to be happening so fast! We are so blessed by our Father, and are assured and at peace with His will with where we are at right now; with our relationship, with the timing of having our precious donor offer this amazing gift, and reminding us through His amazing love, that He has a plan for everything. Continuing to trust in Him for the next few weeks ahead in hearing good news about my meds working, the donor's testing to come through positively and paperwork to go smoothly. Thank you family and friends also for your continued prayers and support.
February 23, 2010
Tomorrow is a big day! I'm feeling so many mixed emotions, mostly excitement and anticipation but a little bit anxious and fearful. With my track record of roadblocks, I can't help but feel a little apprehensive about the appointment. I am looking forward to spending time with the donor and getting more details ironed out. We have yet to discuss and decide how much we want to share and with whom to share it with. It almost seems a little political in a sense.
I have read articles and talked with woman who have used donor eggs, and one of the biggest dilemmas is whether or not to tell your child that they aren’t 100% yours. How much info do you divulge to close family and friends? 1) Allowing them the knowledge builds a great support system; however 2) the potential hurt that could be caused if information is leaked out, if we as parents haven’t had time to talk with the child first, or at all?? I am, at this point, not sure where my feelings are with telling my child about it or not. But I'm not to get too ahead of myself here; we have yet to find out about the possibilities of a successful treatment first.
Praying that tomorrow holds all the right answers and to calm all the spirits and minds involved.
I have read articles and talked with woman who have used donor eggs, and one of the biggest dilemmas is whether or not to tell your child that they aren’t 100% yours. How much info do you divulge to close family and friends? 1) Allowing them the knowledge builds a great support system; however 2) the potential hurt that could be caused if information is leaked out, if we as parents haven’t had time to talk with the child first, or at all?? I am, at this point, not sure where my feelings are with telling my child about it or not. But I'm not to get too ahead of myself here; we have yet to find out about the possibilities of a successful treatment first.
Praying that tomorrow holds all the right answers and to calm all the spirits and minds involved.
February 16, 2010
It's been a little while since I posted last. I have been healing quite well from surgery, and I find that I can flex and pull my stomach muscles without too much pain. This is good because I start boot camp this week! I always had in my head to get in the best shape before a baby comes along, so I'm that much healthier. I need to get going on that!
I'm getting excited for our appt with Motan next week (24th) He will most likely start me on a mock cycle right away, and although I'm not looking forward to needles, I'm glad that the ball is moving. Jeff and I are still taking things in stride as we're not sure about the donor's eggs yet, but we feel confident this is the path God is leading us down. Feeling positive!
I had a really good talk with an old friend of mine who is going through a lot of the same stuff. It was so good to share feelings of frustration, anger, worry, hopes, fears and just to have someone that actually 'gets' how I'm feeling. I was also able to give her some advice and it was great to know that because of all the stuff I've gone through I could offer some guidance, and she helped me realize that no matter how difficult things get you do make it through.
Sending out prayers for ALL the woman suffering in silence.
I'm getting excited for our appt with Motan next week (24th) He will most likely start me on a mock cycle right away, and although I'm not looking forward to needles, I'm glad that the ball is moving. Jeff and I are still taking things in stride as we're not sure about the donor's eggs yet, but we feel confident this is the path God is leading us down. Feeling positive!
I had a really good talk with an old friend of mine who is going through a lot of the same stuff. It was so good to share feelings of frustration, anger, worry, hopes, fears and just to have someone that actually 'gets' how I'm feeling. I was also able to give her some advice and it was great to know that because of all the stuff I've gone through I could offer some guidance, and she helped me realize that no matter how difficult things get you do make it through.
Sending out prayers for ALL the woman suffering in silence.
January 31, 2010
Gallbladder Surgery
Wow, talk about have the rug pulled from under you! This whole surgery thing has been quite the experience. Truth be told I don't know how much I'm going to write now because I still feel extremely weak and still slightly nauseous. The holes in my belly are still very painful and I can't stand up straight yet, so Jeff and I have been joking about me looking like a haggard old lady, ahh except laughing hurts. I couldn't even fully appreciate my fav show last night, America's Funniest. Ohh well.
I've been trying to ween myself off T3's and I have only taken one today I was taking 2 every 4 hours on Friday and Saturday. I think that's what makes me nauseous though. I've taken Gravol, but it burns up my throat and makes me feel like crap. We've decided that I don't do anesthesia that well because I was throwing up after surgery and vomited on and off since the surgery and today, thankfuly I only had a few dry heaves this morning. Sorry for the details, but this is real life.
My wonderful, loving hubby is taking exremely good care of me, fetching me this and that, I even woke up out of a daze to find beautiful flowers on the table and a nice card. This has definately taken it's toll on me, but I'm strong and I need to remind myself to let me body rest. i try to do something as easy as take the laundry downstairs, but I get winded and dizzy. It's one more step that I need to take and that's what's important. After a few more days, this will just be a memory (oh and I think some scars to remind me) and I know that I can do anything through HIM who gives me strength.
I've been trying to ween myself off T3's and I have only taken one today I was taking 2 every 4 hours on Friday and Saturday. I think that's what makes me nauseous though. I've taken Gravol, but it burns up my throat and makes me feel like crap. We've decided that I don't do anesthesia that well because I was throwing up after surgery and vomited on and off since the surgery and today, thankfuly I only had a few dry heaves this morning. Sorry for the details, but this is real life.
My wonderful, loving hubby is taking exremely good care of me, fetching me this and that, I even woke up out of a daze to find beautiful flowers on the table and a nice card. This has definately taken it's toll on me, but I'm strong and I need to remind myself to let me body rest. i try to do something as easy as take the laundry downstairs, but I get winded and dizzy. It's one more step that I need to take and that's what's important. After a few more days, this will just be a memory (oh and I think some scars to remind me) and I know that I can do anything through HIM who gives me strength.
January 15, 2010
The SIS exam (as painful as it was) went fine. Dr. M said my uterus looks great and is very healthy. The size and shape are good, and he said it's a perfect environment for implanting. Yah!!!
Now if the days would just move faster until my gallbladder surgery and then appt in Feb to get this treatment train moving!!
Now if the days would just move faster until my gallbladder surgery and then appt in Feb to get this treatment train moving!!
January 11, 2010
This New Year has been great so far. It was good to see family and friends over the holidays, and spend quality time with such loving and supportive people. We also learned of some bitter sweet news. Some friends of ours just announced their 2nd pregnancy and we are thrilled for them. At the same time I hope and pray that we will also be able to make that same announcement soon.
I go into the fertility clinic Thursday this week to have my SIS exam done by Dr. M. SIS is "Saline Infused Sonogram", where Dr. M will pump saline through a tube into my uterus to see the lining and if there are any blockages. It's an x ray of sorts. The last one was very uncomfortable and quiet painful, so I'm really not looking forward to it. I do hope that we'll find out that my lining has thickened and my uterus has grown, meaning implantation will be more successful. If not, my meds may be altered again (hopefully without crazy side effects) Continuing to live day by day and trusting in HIM. :)
I go into the fertility clinic Thursday this week to have my SIS exam done by Dr. M. SIS is "Saline Infused Sonogram", where Dr. M will pump saline through a tube into my uterus to see the lining and if there are any blockages. It's an x ray of sorts. The last one was very uncomfortable and quiet painful, so I'm really not looking forward to it. I do hope that we'll find out that my lining has thickened and my uterus has grown, meaning implantation will be more successful. If not, my meds may be altered again (hopefully without crazy side effects) Continuing to live day by day and trusting in HIM. :)
January 2, 2010
A new year a new chapter
The start of 2010. Wow, I really look forward to what the new year will bring. Praying for strength, guidance and patience as 2010 unfolds...
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