flip flop moods

It’s been over 2 years since we first began trying to have a baby and over 5 years of POF symptoms. Today I’ve been in the mindset of reflecting over what we’ve been through, and of course continually going through. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how planned this is. There’s a whole timeline of ‘events’, schedules to keep and medications to take at precise times. The excitement is getting lost in this whole process and I feel as if I’m just going through the motions of ‘doing what needs to be done’; following rules and guidelines because it will lead to ‘success’. It’s all so clinical now and I don’t feel that urgent sense of anticipation. Have I lost my desire for children?? No, how can I possibly! And yet making my way through all the corners and dead ends of the infertility maze, I find myself not focusing on the precious end result, but rather drawing my attention to taking the right turns, choosing the right way and doing it all in a timely manner.
Yes, I’m thankful for our donor, the advances in technology, the support, all of it. Yet it all takes away from the excitement of “Wow, we are pregnant!!! We weren’t sure if it would happen and it did!! I guess we are due on ...” It’s different for us; I know the timeline of the mock cycle, I will know the schedule for egg retrieval and embryo implant. When it all boils down, I think I’m feeling jealous about a natural pregnancy being more exciting because you haven’t spent 2-4 years anticipating and working towards it, and that it almost feels like work. I could really take it or leave it at this moment, honestly. I know that sounds ludicrous. I WANT CHILDREN, I really do, but I’m so content right now with life (minus watching the clock at all time to snort meds, shove them up places, and swallow them) I love spending time with my niece and nephew, with my best friends little girl, and other children, heck I work at a school!! I wonder if I’m either so used to riding the infertility rollercoaster, or have just become somewhat numb to the whole process. I know I’ll sound contradictory here, but I absolutely can’t wait to hold our own precious babe, I just want the excitement back, is it too much to ask? I blame the meds for my crazy moods!!!