I still need to fully conquer my fears and sadness about not having a child that is biologically mine. I have accepted that I need a donor egg in order to go through with IVF and with God's grace, hold a baby in my arms. I'm working on laying down my inhibitions and worries of not feeeling fully attached to my child and placing these fears at God's feet.

Praying, talking with Jeff and reflecting have most definitely calmed most of my fears, but I have also read some articles that help me to see that my baby will indeed be a part of me. Here are a few excerpts from what I've read:

“Perhaps the greatest myth surrounds pregnancy. Many believe the uterus is simply an incubator. Nothing could be further from the truth. The most important aspect of all pregnancies- including egg donation pregnancies- is that as the fetus grows, every cell in the developing body is built out of the pregnant mother’s body. Tissue from her uterine lining will contribute to the formation of the placenta, which will link her and her child. The fetus will use her body’s protein, then she will replace it. The fetus uses her sugars, calcium, nitrates, and fluids, and she will replace them. So, if you think of your dream child as your dream house, the genes provide merely a basic blueprint, the biological mother takes care of all the materials and construction, from the foundation right on up to the light fixtures. So, although her husband’s aunt Sara or the donor’s grandfather may have genetically programmed the shape of the new baby’s earlobe, the earlobe itself is the pregnant woman’s “flesh and blood.” That means the earlobe, along with the baby herself, grew from the recipient’s body. That is why she is the child’s biological mother. That is why this child is her biological child.”

- In a donor egg pregnancy, the pregnant woman’s womb is the environment.It is her genes, not the donor’s, that determine the expression of the donor -egg baby’s genes.

- A donor egg baby gets his/her genes from the donor; he/she gets the ‘instructions’ on the expression of those genes from the woman who carries her to term.

- The birth mother helps shape the baby she carries from the moment that embryo is implanted in her uterus.

When I think of holding our newborn in my arms, feeling its heartbeat, and looking into those precious eyes, a surge of emotions runs through me as I picture it. An all consuming love, adoration, awe, a true BLESSING. I want to feel what a mother feels when she expresses, YES, this is my child! and God has given him/her to us by His almighty grace. I know that I will feel a connection deeper than I can ever comprehend right now, and I pray that our beautiful newborn will feel the immense love we have for him/her. That he/she is a part of us BOTH and formed ever so lovingly by our heavenly maker.

Wow this has been a cold few days!! I'm excited that the weather will finally warm up! I went in to see Dr. Sample (surgeon) today and we discussed how the gallbladder surgery would be. He will do a laproscopic (4 small holes, where they work with little tube like instraments to cut and then pull the gallbladder out) It's on'y a few hours and I should be able to go home that same day. Jeff will have to come as they don't allow you to drive home or do anything for 48hrs. My surgery is set for Jan 29 '10, which is perfect because it's a Friday, so I can recover during the weekend, and not miss more work.

I was relieved to hear it would happen in January (even if it's at the very end!) This means we can start on a mock cycle in Feb. (appt booked on the 24th) I still hope to get donor in for her testing prior to that, so prayers for my calls to the clinic in that regard to get returned soon. I've been chatting on the IVF.ca forum for the last few months and a woman who's cycling at the Edmonton clinic said to be persistant. Call more often and don't be shy about wanting answers. So I will call again at the end of the week if I still don't hear anything.

So the New Year will bring on a few procedures. My SIS exam (saline injection) is scheduled for Jan 14 (so close to my birthday!:( ), then the gallbladder surgery on the 29th. Hopefuly February will be the start of IVF treatments. I'm hoping 2010 is our year!!!

Well I have made a few calls and I have an appt with Dr. Motan on Feb. 24. By that time I hope to have my gallbladder surgery complete and my SIS exam (saline infusion to look at uterus and lining) will be done as well.
Hoping we can then start a mock cycle to see how I will react to treatments. So continued prayers for that. God has His hand in all this!

Well, this has been an extremely uplifting week! I have a complete trust that God has a plan for us. Continued prayers for a quick surgery to come for my gallbladder. God you are so wondrous!!!

District Recognition Award

WOW, warm fuzzies times 1000!! Ok I know this has nothing to do with my infertility journey, but with all the negatives and setbacks, I just had to post this achievement. I was recognized by the Edmonton Public School Board of Trustees and the District for my service in the school. We had the award ceremony last night where I received a certificate and a thank you speech from the Board. It was an amazing feeling to get recognized like that. Thanks to the teachers who nominated me and the referral letters you wrote. What an honor!!!