I still need to fully conquer my fears and sadness about not having a child that is biologically mine. I have accepted that I need a donor egg in order to go through with IVF and with God's grace, hold a baby in my arms. I'm working on laying down my inhibitions and worries of not feeeling fully attached to my child and placing these fears at God's feet.
Praying, talking with Jeff and reflecting have most definitely calmed most of my fears, but I have also read some articles that help me to see that my baby will indeed be a part of me. Here are a few excerpts from what I've read:
“Perhaps the greatest myth surrounds pregnancy. Many believe the uterus is simply an incubator. Nothing could be further from the truth. The most important aspect of all pregnancies- including egg donation pregnancies- is that as the fetus grows, every cell in the developing body is built out of the pregnant mother’s body. Tissue from her uterine lining will contribute to the formation of the placenta, which will link her and her child. The fetus will use her body’s protein, then she will replace it. The fetus uses her sugars, calcium, nitrates, and fluids, and she will replace them. So, if you think of your dream child as your dream house, the genes provide merely a basic blueprint, the biological mother takes care of all the materials and construction, from the foundation right on up to the light fixtures. So, although her husband’s aunt Sara or the donor’s grandfather may have genetically programmed the shape of the new baby’s earlobe, the earlobe itself is the pregnant woman’s “flesh and blood.” That means the earlobe, along with the baby herself, grew from the recipient’s body. That is why she is the child’s biological mother. That is why this child is her biological child.”
- In a donor egg pregnancy, the pregnant woman’s womb is the environment.It is her genes, not the donor’s, that determine the expression of the donor -egg baby’s genes.
- A donor egg baby gets his/her genes from the donor; he/she gets the ‘instructions’ on the expression of those genes from the woman who carries her to term.
- The birth mother helps shape the baby she carries from the moment that embryo is implanted in her uterus.
When I think of holding our newborn in my arms, feeling its heartbeat, and looking into those precious eyes, a surge of emotions runs through me as I picture it. An all consuming love, adoration, awe, a true BLESSING. I want to feel what a mother feels when she expresses, YES, this is my child! and God has given him/her to us by His almighty grace. I know that I will feel a connection deeper than I can ever comprehend right now, and I pray that our beautiful newborn will feel the immense love we have for him/her. That he/she is a part of us BOTH and formed ever so lovingly by our heavenly maker.
December 15, 2009
Wow this has been a cold few days!! I'm excited that the weather will finally warm up! I went in to see Dr. Sample (surgeon) today and we discussed how the gallbladder surgery would be. He will do a laproscopic (4 small holes, where they work with little tube like instraments to cut and then pull the gallbladder out) It's on'y a few hours and I should be able to go home that same day. Jeff will have to come as they don't allow you to drive home or do anything for 48hrs. My surgery is set for Jan 29 '10, which is perfect because it's a Friday, so I can recover during the weekend, and not miss more work.
I was relieved to hear it would happen in January (even if it's at the very end!) This means we can start on a mock cycle in Feb. (appt booked on the 24th) I still hope to get donor in for her testing prior to that, so prayers for my calls to the clinic in that regard to get returned soon. I've been chatting on the IVF.ca forum for the last few months and a woman who's cycling at the Edmonton clinic said to be persistant. Call more often and don't be shy about wanting answers. So I will call again at the end of the week if I still don't hear anything.
So the New Year will bring on a few procedures. My SIS exam (saline injection) is scheduled for Jan 14 (so close to my birthday!:( ), then the gallbladder surgery on the 29th. Hopefuly February will be the start of IVF treatments. I'm hoping 2010 is our year!!!
I was relieved to hear it would happen in January (even if it's at the very end!) This means we can start on a mock cycle in Feb. (appt booked on the 24th) I still hope to get donor in for her testing prior to that, so prayers for my calls to the clinic in that regard to get returned soon. I've been chatting on the IVF.ca forum for the last few months and a woman who's cycling at the Edmonton clinic said to be persistant. Call more often and don't be shy about wanting answers. So I will call again at the end of the week if I still don't hear anything.
So the New Year will bring on a few procedures. My SIS exam (saline injection) is scheduled for Jan 14 (so close to my birthday!:( ), then the gallbladder surgery on the 29th. Hopefuly February will be the start of IVF treatments. I'm hoping 2010 is our year!!!
December 7, 2009
Well I have made a few calls and I have an appt with Dr. Motan on Feb. 24. By that time I hope to have my gallbladder surgery complete and my SIS exam (saline infusion to look at uterus and lining) will be done as well.
Hoping we can then start a mock cycle to see how I will react to treatments. So continued prayers for that. God has His hand in all this!
Hoping we can then start a mock cycle to see how I will react to treatments. So continued prayers for that. God has His hand in all this!
December 3, 2009
December 2, 2009
District Recognition Award
WOW, warm fuzzies times 1000!! Ok I know this has nothing to do with my infertility journey, but with all the negatives and setbacks, I just had to post this achievement. I was recognized by the Edmonton Public School Board of Trustees and the District for my service in the school. We had the award ceremony last night where I received a certificate and a thank you speech from the Board. It was an amazing feeling to get recognized like that. Thanks to the teachers who nominated me and the referral letters you wrote. What an honor!!!
November 30, 2009
Wow I can't believe Christmas is almost here! I love that there is actually snow falling right now, it's so pretty! Well the countdown is on until I see Dr. Sample to have a consultation about my gallbaldder surgery. I hope that the actual surgery date isn't too far away so that we can start a mock cycle with Dr. Motan (fertility Dr.) so many doctors!
Dr. M said that the next step after my surgery would be to start a mock cycle to see how my body will react to the meds and how thick my lining will get. It's another waiting game and I continue to pray for patience and guidance.
I've been e-mailing back and forth with a girl from Ontario that is wanting to donate eggs. Jeff and I aren't sure though about flying there to have the procedure done, and she just told me that she would be willing to travel if she needs to! Wow, so much to think about and all the decisions are HUGE. Looking forward to more snow, and putting up Christmas decorations!
Dr. M said that the next step after my surgery would be to start a mock cycle to see how my body will react to the meds and how thick my lining will get. It's another waiting game and I continue to pray for patience and guidance.
I've been e-mailing back and forth with a girl from Ontario that is wanting to donate eggs. Jeff and I aren't sure though about flying there to have the procedure done, and she just told me that she would be willing to travel if she needs to! Wow, so much to think about and all the decisions are HUGE. Looking forward to more snow, and putting up Christmas decorations!
November 27, 2009
Timeline of Journey...
'03 - Stopped having period, would only get it once a year on my birthday
'04 - Found out that I will have problems concieving, PCOS as a possible cause
'04 '05 - Multiple tests, scans, blood samples, Dr. visits
'05 - Put on BC to have periods and feel 'normal'
Aug '06 - Married my wonderful hubby, who is extremely supportive
Feb '08 - Off BC and trying to get pregnant
Sep '08 - More blood work to see hormone levels,
Nov 14 '08 - Family Dr. diagnosed me with POF (Premature Ovarian Failure)Nov 18 '08 - referal letter to gynecologist
Nov 20 '08 - In for more blood work to measure FSH and LH hormone levels, bone density scan for signs of osteoperosis
Nov 26 '08 - Family Dr. to discuss results from blood work and bone test: bones are still thick and strong, perscribed 1500mg of calcium and 1000mg of Vit D every day, FSH & LH levels are still abnormaly high (90's) and estrogen cound extremely low (<40, book pelvic ultrasound to look at ovaries
Dec 3 '08 - Pelvic ultrasound (internal&external)
Dec 29' 08 - Went over ultrasound with family Dr.: Ovaries are the size of almunds (normal should be walnuts) vagani and ureathra are smaller than normal
Dec 30 '08 - Start Premarin cream (small dose of HRT) to help with elasticity. Family Dr. also put our name on the waiting list to see a fertility specialist
March '09 - Phoned to inquire about gynecologist appt. no word yet, stopped taking Premarin
March 24 '09 - Jeff and I went to an Adoption info night
April 9 '09 - Finally, Gyn. appt only to be told that nothing has changed you still have POF and you can't get pregnant. Started on 5mg of HRT cream (on my leg) 0.05mg of Eltroxin, and 5mg of Prometrium to adjust hormone levels.
April 10 '09 - Filled 8 viles with blood to test all sorts of things. Found Thyroid is functioning at 4-5 (normal 1-2)Letter of referal to fertility Dr submitted
May 4 '09 - 15 nose bleeds in one weekend
May 15 '09 - 2nd round of blood work to see if meds are regulating hormones
June 10 '09 - Discus results with gyn Dr. Hormone levels seem normal
June 15 '09 - Finally, Fertility Dr. appt. - confirmed POF diagnosis.
- Options are adoption or IVF
June 17 '09 - More blood work for Jeff and myself
June 20 '09 - HSG exam, Jeff had sperm tested twice
July 3 '09 - appt with fertility Dr. to go over HSG exam and sperm results. Uterus is shrunken to 1/4 of the size it should be due to POF
Aug 20 '09 - found out Jeff has sperm antibodies (anchored down and can't swim up cervix)would need to do an extra step in the IVF procedure where they inject the sperm right into the donor egg
Aug 30 '09 - Quit HRT cream - Started 2mg of Estrace (to grow uterus)
Sep 1 '09 - Admitted to ER for severe abdominal pain
Sep 4 '09 - Ultrasound to determine the cause
Nov 15 '09 - Found out a willing donor, changed her mind about donating
Nov 16 '09 - appt with fertility dr. finally received results from ultra sound - have multiple gallstones and need to have laproscopic surgery to have gallbladder removed before any mock IVF cycles can be performed
Nov 18 '09 - Another potential egg donor backed out and changed her mind
Nov 19 '09 - appt with family dr. to get referal to a surgeon - Dec. 15 is conference with surgeon
Nov 23 '09 - Started a dialog with a willing donor in Ontario
Nov 30 '09 - Continued prayers for a possible donor here in Alberta :)
Dec 1 '09 - Answered prayers for a donor!!! and in Alberta! :)
Dec 7 '09 - Call to fertility clinic about the donor, appt Feb 24 '10
Dec 15 '09 - Appt with surgeon - gallbladder surgery booked for Jan 29 '10
Jan 29 '10 - Successful gallbladder removal
Feb 24 '10 - Appt with fertility Dr and potential donor
March 4 '10 - Picked up new meds for mock cycle (starting Mar 17th)
March 12 '10 - 1 on 1 counseling with Barbra at Royal Alex
March 17 '10 - Began Suprefact nasal spray 4 x day and low dose asprin (to suppress cycle)
March 30 '10 - Baseline ultrasound/bloodwork 3.5mm thick lining
March 31 '10 - Began Estrace 3 x day to grow lining to 8mm or thicker
April 9 '10 - IVF ultrasound - lining now at 7.2mm, continuing estrace for a few more days to get to 8mm or better
April 11 '10 - IVF U/S lining is at 9mm
April 12 '10 - discontinue suprefact spray, begin endometrin 2 tabs/day
April 14 '10 - IVF U/S to see if uterus transitioned to shedding phase
April 15 '10 - Egg donor does bloodwork
April 16 '10 - IVF U/S - still not transitioned, blood and pee work done
April 17 '10 - IVF U/S - uterus finally transitioned to shedding phase, stop all meds so the lining can shed out
April 21 '10 - begin birth control 31 days on 4 days off to keep me regular for ease of syncing with donor
April 28 '10 - Donor start suprefact nasal spray to supress her cycle
May 10 '10 - start suprefact again to supress my cycle
May 19 '10 - u/s for donor and I to see that we are both supressed - everything's quiet, now begin next phase of treatment
May 20 '10 - Donor starts Puregon stim injections 1xday to grow follicles to 20mm or more - I begin vaginal estrace 2 pills 3xday to grow lining to 9mm
May 26 '10 - u/s for donor to measure follicles
'04 - Found out that I will have problems concieving, PCOS as a possible cause
'04 '05 - Multiple tests, scans, blood samples, Dr. visits
'05 - Put on BC to have periods and feel 'normal'
Aug '06 - Married my wonderful hubby, who is extremely supportive
Feb '08 - Off BC and trying to get pregnant
Sep '08 - More blood work to see hormone levels,
Nov 14 '08 - Family Dr. diagnosed me with POF (Premature Ovarian Failure)Nov 18 '08 - referal letter to gynecologist
Nov 20 '08 - In for more blood work to measure FSH and LH hormone levels, bone density scan for signs of osteoperosis
Nov 26 '08 - Family Dr. to discuss results from blood work and bone test: bones are still thick and strong, perscribed 1500mg of calcium and 1000mg of Vit D every day, FSH & LH levels are still abnormaly high (90's) and estrogen cound extremely low (<40, book pelvic ultrasound to look at ovaries
Dec 3 '08 - Pelvic ultrasound (internal&external)
Dec 29' 08 - Went over ultrasound with family Dr.: Ovaries are the size of almunds (normal should be walnuts) vagani and ureathra are smaller than normal
Dec 30 '08 - Start Premarin cream (small dose of HRT) to help with elasticity. Family Dr. also put our name on the waiting list to see a fertility specialist
March '09 - Phoned to inquire about gynecologist appt. no word yet, stopped taking Premarin
March 24 '09 - Jeff and I went to an Adoption info night
April 9 '09 - Finally, Gyn. appt only to be told that nothing has changed you still have POF and you can't get pregnant. Started on 5mg of HRT cream (on my leg) 0.05mg of Eltroxin, and 5mg of Prometrium to adjust hormone levels.
April 10 '09 - Filled 8 viles with blood to test all sorts of things. Found Thyroid is functioning at 4-5 (normal 1-2)Letter of referal to fertility Dr submitted
May 4 '09 - 15 nose bleeds in one weekend
May 15 '09 - 2nd round of blood work to see if meds are regulating hormones
June 10 '09 - Discus results with gyn Dr. Hormone levels seem normal
June 15 '09 - Finally, Fertility Dr. appt. - confirmed POF diagnosis.
- Options are adoption or IVF
June 17 '09 - More blood work for Jeff and myself
June 20 '09 - HSG exam, Jeff had sperm tested twice
July 3 '09 - appt with fertility Dr. to go over HSG exam and sperm results. Uterus is shrunken to 1/4 of the size it should be due to POF
Aug 20 '09 - found out Jeff has sperm antibodies (anchored down and can't swim up cervix)would need to do an extra step in the IVF procedure where they inject the sperm right into the donor egg
Aug 30 '09 - Quit HRT cream - Started 2mg of Estrace (to grow uterus)
Sep 1 '09 - Admitted to ER for severe abdominal pain
Sep 4 '09 - Ultrasound to determine the cause
Nov 15 '09 - Found out a willing donor, changed her mind about donating
Nov 16 '09 - appt with fertility dr. finally received results from ultra sound - have multiple gallstones and need to have laproscopic surgery to have gallbladder removed before any mock IVF cycles can be performed
Nov 18 '09 - Another potential egg donor backed out and changed her mind
Nov 19 '09 - appt with family dr. to get referal to a surgeon - Dec. 15 is conference with surgeon
Nov 23 '09 - Started a dialog with a willing donor in Ontario
Nov 30 '09 - Continued prayers for a possible donor here in Alberta :)
Dec 1 '09 - Answered prayers for a donor!!! and in Alberta! :)
Dec 7 '09 - Call to fertility clinic about the donor, appt Feb 24 '10
Dec 15 '09 - Appt with surgeon - gallbladder surgery booked for Jan 29 '10
Jan 29 '10 - Successful gallbladder removal
Feb 24 '10 - Appt with fertility Dr and potential donor
March 4 '10 - Picked up new meds for mock cycle (starting Mar 17th)
March 12 '10 - 1 on 1 counseling with Barbra at Royal Alex
March 17 '10 - Began Suprefact nasal spray 4 x day and low dose asprin (to suppress cycle)
March 30 '10 - Baseline ultrasound/bloodwork 3.5mm thick lining
March 31 '10 - Began Estrace 3 x day to grow lining to 8mm or thicker
April 9 '10 - IVF ultrasound - lining now at 7.2mm, continuing estrace for a few more days to get to 8mm or better
April 11 '10 - IVF U/S lining is at 9mm
April 12 '10 - discontinue suprefact spray, begin endometrin 2 tabs/day
April 14 '10 - IVF U/S to see if uterus transitioned to shedding phase
April 15 '10 - Egg donor does bloodwork
April 16 '10 - IVF U/S - still not transitioned, blood and pee work done
April 17 '10 - IVF U/S - uterus finally transitioned to shedding phase, stop all meds so the lining can shed out
April 21 '10 - begin birth control 31 days on 4 days off to keep me regular for ease of syncing with donor
April 28 '10 - Donor start suprefact nasal spray to supress her cycle
May 10 '10 - start suprefact again to supress my cycle
May 19 '10 - u/s for donor and I to see that we are both supressed - everything's quiet, now begin next phase of treatment
May 20 '10 - Donor starts Puregon stim injections 1xday to grow follicles to 20mm or more - I begin vaginal estrace 2 pills 3xday to grow lining to 9mm
May 26 '10 - u/s for donor to measure follicles
November 26, 2009
Hi Everyone
I have decided to start a blog where I can talk a little bit about my experiences, fears, joys and every other emotion that comes along the way on the infertility road. I'll put up a post with dates of events that have happened already, so that there is a little bit of history. Thanks for reading and for your continued prayers and support. I'm so thankful to have such wonderful people in my life!
TV
"I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength"
I have decided to start a blog where I can talk a little bit about my experiences, fears, joys and every other emotion that comes along the way on the infertility road. I'll put up a post with dates of events that have happened already, so that there is a little bit of history. Thanks for reading and for your continued prayers and support. I'm so thankful to have such wonderful people in my life!
TV
"I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength"
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