Fri/Sat ultrasounds

The doctor who did my ultrasound on Friday wasn't sure if my uterus had transitioned enough and wanted me to come back again the next morning and have Dr, M look at it. The nurse also wanted our donor there for us to sign paperwork and go over the procedure. I’m so thankful for the flexibility my wonderful donor has. She basically had no notice and had to leave early in the morning to get to the clinic on Saturday by 9:45. I’m so thankful for her!!!
The clinic typically isn’t open on Saturdays so we had to wait outside of the elevator to be let up by a nurse. I think there were only 2 other appts there, so it was weird to see it so empty and dark. I was praying hard the whole time that this would be the end of the mock cycle. I have to say, clinics can be very awkward, the nurse assumed that my donor and her boyfriend (he came along for support) were going to come into the ultrasound with us. So after a little bit of nervous laughter on all our parts, I got it sorted out that, yes my husband would come in with me, and the other two could go back to the waiting room. Anyhoo, Motan confirmed that yes my uterus had transitioned and I was officially done the mock cycle!!! Yay, we were so relieved and happy to hear this! Afterwards we all met with Motan to sign a pile of paperwork (mostly for legal reasons, and consents) It was like signing papers for a house, so many of them, but they are done and out of the way now. I was allowed to quit my meds on Sunday (praise the Lord!) and will be starting on birth control (yes, sounds ironic) on Wednesday. I need to take them 31 days straight, then 4 days off. This is to keep my cycle regular and make it easier for syncing. Rhonda (IFV nurse) should be phoning me today to set up scheduling for myself and the donor and get our cycles matched up!! Motan informed the donor that he would be retrieving 8 eggs, and that he has to poke the needle in each time. Jeff's cousin went through this egg retrieval process and it was very painful, so please pray for our donor, as she will be going through quite a lot in the next little while. We praise and thank God that the mock was successful and now we ask for His blessing on the timing and syncing of our cycles.
*update, no phone call from Rhonda yet, hopefuly tomorrow...

roll•er-coast•er roʊ lərˌkoʊ stər,ˈroʊ lɪ-Show Spelled[roh-ler-koh-ster, roh-li-]
–verb (used without object)
1.
to go up and down like a roller coaster; rise and fall: a narrow road roller-coastering around the mountain; a light boat roller-coastering over the waves.
2.
to experience a period of prosperity, happiness, security, or the like, followed by a contrasting period of economic depression, despair, or the like: The economy was roller-coastering throughout most of the decade.

Yup that pretty much sums me up. I feel so depressed and angry today. I had what seems like the 100th ultrasound this morning, only to be told that I’m not where I need to be so I have to continue shoving the meds. It’s so frustrating. The appt was for 10:30 (the actual u/s only taking 5 mins) and we weren’t out until 12:15. Waiting sucks. On top of that I had to have a speculum shoved in me because I have been very sore and irritated, most likely an infection. Good thing the med she prescribed for that can be taken orally. *excuse the details, but this blog is my diary. I actually do write in a real diary and trust me this blog is PG13 

So I go back in on Friday for my 101st ultrasound. I just want this pill shoving to be over, my body is not meant for this. It’s not meant for any of this. Sigh. Again I’m reminded about why Jeff is so right about not getting on the excited high when things are going well, because it makes the ride down more rough. Oh well, it’s not the end of the world, just another hick up. I’m ok and thankful for the fact that we can make adjustments now so that the real cycle will have all the glitches worked out

Ultrasound update

More good news! I went in for the 2nd IVF ultrasound and my lining has grown to 9mm!!!! Yay! :) The lining is still 3 layers, nice and thick whoo hoo (but my boobs are sure complaining! ;) ) So tomorrow signifies 'day 1' where I stop my Suprefact and start vaginal Prometrium 2 tabs 3xday, along with the vaginal Estrace that I've been taking. I go in again April 14 ('day 3') for another IVF ultrasound to ensure that the endometrial lining has transitioned from the proliferative to secretory phase. So in plain English it mean to go from a lining that has been growing and building up to shedding it all out, so we can start it all over again for the real cycle. Motan feels very confident about the embryo placement because he was already in my cervix during my HSG exam that I won't need to do a mock embryo transfer. So my mock cycle will be over on Wednesday (April 14) I will be talking with Rhonda after my ultrasound Wed about starting myself and the donor with our meds to get our cycles synced. Wow, craziness!!

IVF ultrasound

I had my IVF ultrasound this morning to check the progress of my lining. Jeff came with me since he had the day off. We had a different doctor do the ultrasound and she was very informative and asked me questions about how I was feeling and if I had any side effects/questions. She was very nice and yes I did have tender boobs and some other side effects for the last 2 days, and she said, "Great that means the Estrace is absorbing!" So we did the test and my lining is measuring at 7.2mm (soooo close!!!) and it’s all good because the meds are doing there job, I just need a couple more days on the Estrace and nasal spray and have another ultrasound. So the 2nd one was booked for April 15, but the nurse called back after talking with Motan and said he'd like for me to come in Sun April 11 for the ultrasound instead (he must assume that it should only take a couple days to get to that 8mm, I agree, since it's grown this much already) Also more good news that my uterus is nice and big in size (5 cm) and has 3 layers (apparently good:) ) and the Dr. said that if she hadn't known I was on supplements that she'd assume I had a perfectly normal looking uterus and lining. Yay! I look normal again in there!!

So by Sunday it should be at 8mm for sure and then my mock cycle will be over about 5 days after that!!! It's a bit crazy because I'm also going on a ski trip with friends so I had to make last minute arrangements today to get home Saturday night from Jasper, instead of Sunday night. So I miss out on a night in Jasper and a day of skiing, but I have priorities and I can't wait to get to the end of the mock cycle!!! Thanks again to all of you for prayers, e-mails of support and staying with me through all my rollercoaster moods! Luv you all!!

flip flop moods

It’s been over 2 years since we first began trying to have a baby and over 5 years of POF symptoms. Today I’ve been in the mindset of reflecting over what we’ve been through, and of course continually going through. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how planned this is. There’s a whole timeline of ‘events’, schedules to keep and medications to take at precise times. The excitement is getting lost in this whole process and I feel as if I’m just going through the motions of ‘doing what needs to be done’; following rules and guidelines because it will lead to ‘success’. It’s all so clinical now and I don’t feel that urgent sense of anticipation. Have I lost my desire for children?? No, how can I possibly! And yet making my way through all the corners and dead ends of the infertility maze, I find myself not focusing on the precious end result, but rather drawing my attention to taking the right turns, choosing the right way and doing it all in a timely manner.
Yes, I’m thankful for our donor, the advances in technology, the support, all of it. Yet it all takes away from the excitement of “Wow, we are pregnant!!! We weren’t sure if it would happen and it did!! I guess we are due on ...” It’s different for us; I know the timeline of the mock cycle, I will know the schedule for egg retrieval and embryo implant. When it all boils down, I think I’m feeling jealous about a natural pregnancy being more exciting because you haven’t spent 2-4 years anticipating and working towards it, and that it almost feels like work. I could really take it or leave it at this moment, honestly. I know that sounds ludicrous. I WANT CHILDREN, I really do, but I’m so content right now with life (minus watching the clock at all time to snort meds, shove them up places, and swallow them) I love spending time with my niece and nephew, with my best friends little girl, and other children, heck I work at a school!! I wonder if I’m either so used to riding the infertility rollercoaster, or have just become somewhat numb to the whole process. I know I’ll sound contradictory here, but I absolutely can’t wait to hold our own precious babe, I just want the excitement back, is it too much to ask? I blame the meds for my crazy moods!!!

about half way through mock cycle

I had my baseline ultrasound and blood work done on March 30, to see that I was adequately suppressed and to determine how thick my lining is. I am suppressed enough at this point and my lining is about 3.5mm thick, which is where it needs to be. I am now taking Estrace 3xday to grown my lining to the magic number of 8mm. On April 9th I will have another IVF ultrasound to measure, and if it is 8mm or thicker than I move on the final stages of the mock cycle (a couple days on a different drug and a mock embryo transfer) So we're very thankful to be at this stage and that everything is going as it should be. Easter has brought time for us to visit with family and friends and seeing little nieces and nephews, makes us even more excited for what's to come.

'Lord thank you for your ever present grace'