Keeping Faith

After talking with Jeff and having some time to settle and cope, we are ready to share what has been going on for the past while. We feel (and me more so) that it will take a huge weight off our shoulders, and allow us to heal faster, than to keep it bottled up inside. So apologies for the back log of blogs, but I have been writing updates, just not posting them because we weren’t sure what the outcome was going to be, but we are ready to share now. You might want to get a snack, or some coffee, because there are events backtracked from quite a few dates here.

May 28 - So we had to go back into the clinic today for the donor to give blood and have another ultrasound to measure the eggs. This time things looked pretty good, but they wanted the follicles to grow a little more each one grew by about 2mm or so. One of the follicles was already at 20, so they talked about letting that one go, because they don’t like to have them over 25mm. So she will continue the Puregon and we’ll need to come back again tomorrow for the same thing. I was joking that I felt left out (not having any ultrasounds) but I had my share in the beginning, that’s for sure! So continued prayers that all the follies will grow and strengthen. Also for the donor and she’s feeling quite bloated and tired. Hope that tomorrow there are a good amount 18mm or more so she can take her trigger shot!

May 29 – Well, we made it to the appointment, and turns out that there are only 4 follies mature enough, and they’d like to have a few more. This was a big disappointment and we were so sure more would be ready. Just another reality check that you can’t get your hopes up and what’s that cliché saying?? Oh ya, don’t count your chickens before they’re hatched. Or my favorite, spending your tax refund before you find out you don’t get one. Anyway back in tomorrow for the same drill and this time I’m also getting one done to see how thick my lining is getting. I just feel so anxious and excited that every time we find out, “Oh one more day” it feels like a week and I thought I had relatively good patience, but I’m learning to have more. Donor needs to have another day on meds then take the HCG shot which will bring the follicles to final maturation. The ovaries then rest for a day, and then June 1 will be egg retrieval day!!! I’ll also have an ultrasound so they can check that my lining is the right thickness. I was beginning to feel left out, not having any ultrasounds for so long! Wow, this is so incredible, we can’t believe it. Jeff and I were talking about how way back when we thought we would never get to this point, and now that it’s here, we’re almost shocked. It really is amazing and we thank God for every part of this journey.

May 30 - Donor has to take her trigger shot tonight, because there are a decent amount off follicles ready!! The retrieval is scheduled for 8:30am Tuesday and we have to be there at 7:30 so she can get prepped and ready. They reassured us (her) that she will get medicine and will be very drowsy and won’t feel much at all. Prayers for her as she’s about to undergo the surgery, and that the eggs will by healthy and mature.

June 1 – EGG RETRIEVAL DAY!! We got into the clinic about 10 minutes late, so before I could give her a hug they whisked her away to get ready. I just waited patiently (more like anxiously!) in the waiting room. I brought a book but didn’t read much at all. I wrote in my journal a bit, but couldn’t really focus on that either. Then at about 8:30, Dr. Motan came strolling in from the elevator just getting to work, and I kinda thought, “Um, aren’t you supposed to be doing a retrieval right now!?” Anyway they must have got started shortly after that. About 20 min later a nurse came out and asked if Jeff was ready to give his specimen, and I looked at her like she was kidding, because he wasn’t there with us, but at work. I must admit I did freak out on her a little bit because no one told us that he was to be there right away in the morning. So she went to go talk to someone, and I madly text Jeff and said he needed to be here like 5 minutes ago. Poor guy I felt stressed out for him, talk about pressure. Then the embryologist talked to me and said as long as he’s here in the next 2 hrs. Oops, guess I panicked a bit. We had read that if doing ICSI that the specimen should be delivered 5 hrs after retrieval. The nurse at the clinic confessed that they haven’t done an egg donor cycle for quite some time, and that communication got a little mixed up. This perturbed me somewhat because you can’t be messing around with live eggs, making them wait for sperm and screwing up the whole fertilization process. So anyway, Jeff came and we talked for a bit, then he went to do his ‘thing’. Meanwhile donor came out of recovery and was actually quite with it aside from being really tired. They said she did very well, and last the nurse heard, they had retrieved over 12 eggs!!! Donor said she didn’t feel sore at all, just her wrist from where they put in the IV, so this was a big relief for both of us, as we were nervous about how it would be.
The nurse came back to tell us that we would get a call from the embryologist the next morning to let us know how many fertilized. The nurse also said that based on the quality of the eggs, that only transferring one embryo may be suggested. We’d rather not risk it with just one, so we still feel strongly about implanting two, since we’ve gone through all this. Also that it would most likely be a 5 day transfer which means that the embryos would grow and mature in the dish for 5 days making it that much stronger for implantation. Wow, I can’t wait for that phone call!!! What an awesome (but also nerve-wracking) day!!! Now, egg and sperm, get it on in that little dish!!! 

June 2 – I got ‘the call’ today!!! My cell phone was in my hand all morning, just waiting for it! Here goes
Total of 24 eggs retrieved – 19 of them mature enough to fertilize. Sooo here’s the break down of the 19 eggies :
13 – fertilized viable embryos
3 – look to be viable (they need to keep monitoring them)
2 – didn’t like the sperm I guess, so they passed on the mating ;)
1 – RIP didn’t make it
So it looks like we will have 13 embryos for sure!!! Wow, craziness!! God’s hand was truly in this procedure and he created so many precious little lives!! The embryologist said that they look very good and he is quite happy with them. I had asked Jeff the night before if he wanted me to just wait until he got home from work to tell him how many, and he said, “No! Text me right away!” We are both so pumped and in shock of all these little embies!! We will definitely be freezing the ones we don’t implant and think about donating them to other couples in the future. So we for sure have some things to decide after implanting and getting a positive pregnancy.
The nurse also called and confirmed my ET (embryo transfer) date is Sunday June 6 (which also happens to be my nieces’ 1st birthday) at 8:30am. I’m so excited and nervous and anxious and full of joy all at the same time

June 6 – I fell asleep the night before quite well considering what was scheduled. This morning though, I woke up at 4:30, 5:30 pretty much every hour until 7 when I got up to take my meds and had a shower. We had to be at the clinic by 8:30 and I didn’t want to be late. I think Jeff was pretty excited as well. We got there and when they called us in Jeff had to wear a Dr. outfit, booties and cap included (he looked quite handsome) and me in the fashionable robe with booties and hair net. We went and sat in a little waiting room where the embryologist and nurse spoke with us while they were getting the room ready. I was pretty nervous and Jeff said the same thing. I was hoping and praying that it would be nothing like the HSG exam I had that hurt like crazy. The embryologist told us that he was very happy with the 2 embryos. One was graded at 4AA and the other 4AB. The first letter stands for the quality of the embryo and the second for the quality of the surrounding cells. So embryo 2 had one cell that didn’t quite fit (think of a cobblestone path, and one brick is out of place) We were extremely happy and felt so blessed to have such great embryos!!
Finally the room was ready and Motan came in. We could see the 2 little embies on the monitor, as they were waiting for the waterslide ride of their lives!! ( It didn’t even hurt at all!!! I couldn’t even feel the catheter go in, the speculum was a bit uncomfortable, but the rest was so easy. They loaded up the embies and we could see them move into me on the screen. Two little white dots (it was the fluid around that we were seeing) and that was that, they were in. We were both in shock, awe and full of emotion. There they were, two little embies that one day, Lord willing will grow to become our children. Jeff and I had a moment together, and I had to lay on the bed for 15 minutes before leaving. The nurse explained a few things to us, and then we were free to leave. It was over. After years of trying and going through treatments, and waiting, the day was here, and it was a 15 minute procedure. I’m still in a little bit of shock, to think that I have 2 little lives making a home in me is utterly amazing.
We went out for brunch, and Jeff said, “So what’s the babies first meal going to be?” I looked at him and then said, “What do you mean?” It totally took me by surprise to hear that, as nothing really seemed to have changed. Here’s to new beginnings and onto the next phase.

June 11 – I’ve been feeling quite crampy the last few days and I’m wondering what that’s all about. I’ve read that you could have cramps because the embryos are implanting, so hopefully that’s the case. I received a call from Dana, the embryologist, and he let me know that out of all the embryos, 6 of them made it to the freezing stage!!! So we have 6 in the cooler to use later or perhaps adopt out, which is something that Jeff and I need to discuss later on. We are so happy to have that many embryos and that they are all of AB or BA quality. I’m super excited for Tuesday to come, and I haven’t bought a pee stick, so yay for me! I’m anxious as well though, because of the cramping that it might be negative. But we’re trusting in God that he has a plan, and that whatever does happen He will provide. We get to babysit my 6 month old nephew tomorrow and I’m pretty excited, Jeff said it will be good practice!

June 14 – Tomorrow is the ‘Big Reveal’ and I’m so excited I can hardly think. I was making the stupidest mistakes at school today and the kids thought I was crazy, but my mind is a million miles elsewhere. I’m sure I’ll have my phone plastered to me all day, waiting for a call back. I’m labeled as PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise) and it sounds silly to me but also in the back of my head is the question, “What if it doesn’t work?” I guess we just need to rely on God to do His thing, but we’re praying really hard that the embies have stuck and they are growing strong.

June 15 – I got to the RAH blood lab at 8 and had my blood taken at 8:30. I was so nervous to have it taken, and I’m never nervous to give blood because I’ve done it soo often. But my heart was beating so fast and walking out of the clinic I was a little panicky. This time my blood would tell me if I was pregnant or not, and that was both exciting and frightening. I had my phone with me constantly in the morning and at 10am it was ringing with RAH as the display. I shut my door and answered. The first words I heard were “I’m sorry Tanya but I don’t have good news for you…” the rest of the conversation I heard in bits and pieces. The word ‘negative’ came out loud and clear though. The nurse also mentioned that as soon as I was able to, to call the office and book a follow up appointment with Motan because he’s already booking into September. I wasn’t too concerned about waiting, because I don’t think I’ll be able to go through everything again right away. When I hung up I was in shock, I was numb. How can this be? Everything was going so right, so smooth during implanting to now. I started beating myself up with the what if’s, and what had I done wrong? Then I broke down. I’ve never sobbed with such grief and emotion in my life. I wanted to call Jeff desperately, but I couldn’t upset him at work, I needed some time to cry, question, and be mad. So I spent about 10 min in my room, then I put on a face and went to work as usual, for the rest of the day, knowing that I had 2 dead embryos in my womb, that couldn’t find refuge to survive. I called Jeff at lunch and he was just as shocked as I was. Maybe they got the blood mixed up, it was just so ludicrous to think that it was negative. We hadn’t prepared ourselves fully for this result. We were both so confident and sure that it was going to be positive. When I got home that night, we hugged and cried for a long time. I needed to take a home pregnancy test so I could see a visual and get a little closure. I took a digital, and yes, it read negative. It was a big slap in the face.

June 25 - ….to this day I still have times where I think “I could be 2 months pregnant right now, but I’m not” and that really hits like a tonne of bricks. We’ve decided to take a much needed mental, physical, emotional, break, and we’ve planned a trip to Vegas. It busy there, it’s hot and has lots to see. So that is what we are focusing on right now, and it’s been a good distraction. We are ok with not trying again for a while because we need to have some distance from treatments for a while and wrap our heads around everything. So please pray for an emotional, physical and mental healing for both of us, and for a continued strength to trust God that in His time, He will bless us with a child.