Wow it's been quite the ride at work these days! The whole school received a new timetable and students and staff are needing to adjust to all the changes. The days have been going by fairly quickly that's for sure! The weekends are such a blessing to get some rest and relax for awhile. I noticed the other day that a Christmas catalogue was out already and can't quite believe that it's only 2 months away! I'm really starting to believe that the older you get the faster time goes by : (
The medications that I've been taking are going well, and we're looking forward to the next steps in our FET. No definite timeline (again) but we're excited (and a bit anxious) to be starting a new cycle. Taking it slow and not being in a rush is what we're striving for, by praying for patience and calm hearts.
October 23, 2010
October 5, 2010
Taking a Breath
Sometimes we just need to stop and breathe. Take a moment and look at all the beauty around us. To share some time with a loved one. I'm realizing that my life is too busy. We live in such a hustle and bustle society and I am getting sucked right in to the craziness of it. Being busy isn't a bad thing. I like not having time to dwell on matters that are out of my control, and rather work out details such as double booking a night and deciding what to do about it. But as I mentioned before, I need to stop and take into account all the blessings in my life. Wonderful husband, good career, great family, close friends, involvement in church, participating in sports. There are so many great things in life, and yet we are constantly pressured into wanting what we don't have, wondering why we can't enjoy this or that. And yet, despite not being pregnant or having a baby already, I feel contentment. My life is full and rich. Can it get even more fulfilled and richer? Yes. But do I feel a need or a want for that? The answer is no, I am content with the pace of my life right now.
Will we decide to start a second cycle, yes, I think we will very soon. The reason we feel we can is because we are both in a good space right now. Content. With life, each other, our faith. We needed to wait this long. To wait for a sense of joyful anticipation at the thought of a frozen cycle, not out of desperation due to a failed cycle. We've made appointments, and I'm taking some medications. No rush, no hurry but in His time. I'm slowly getting my body ready to start the process over, and I'm looking forward to it. A month ago, I wouldn't be able to say that, but now the thought of becoming pregnant excites me. So we will take days as they come and in those days we will take moments, to stop and think of just how far we've come, how our lives have changed and how truly blessed we feel.
Will we decide to start a second cycle, yes, I think we will very soon. The reason we feel we can is because we are both in a good space right now. Content. With life, each other, our faith. We needed to wait this long. To wait for a sense of joyful anticipation at the thought of a frozen cycle, not out of desperation due to a failed cycle. We've made appointments, and I'm taking some medications. No rush, no hurry but in His time. I'm slowly getting my body ready to start the process over, and I'm looking forward to it. A month ago, I wouldn't be able to say that, but now the thought of becoming pregnant excites me. So we will take days as they come and in those days we will take moments, to stop and think of just how far we've come, how our lives have changed and how truly blessed we feel.
September 7, 2010
Fall is in the air. Seeing the bright sun outside has been a little deceiving, because there is a 'crispness' to the air. I really do love fall, and I can't wait until all the colors start popping out. The bright reds, oranges and yellows make such a beautiful splash of color.
Now shifting back a few days to our follow up appointment. First of all we weren't sure what to expect. We wanted some answers as to why the cycle failed, but also knew that Dr. Motan might not be able to provide them. He was very sympathetic, and truly felt for us. He was just as disappointed that it had failed, as everything he could tell professionally looked great. This was really nice to hear, and the fact that he was still very hopeful and positive for us, made us both feel good. What he decided was that it had nothing to do with the embryos, because they were of such great quality, and not the medications. He has an idea that it is most likely my lining fighting off the foreign embryos. Because I have POF, I have more antibodies than most. So when something foreign enters my womb (aka cute little embies) the antibodies want to try and get rid of it. Harsh right? If only I could have a talk with those Mr. Antibodies!! So when we decide to try a frozen cycle, Dr. Motan would like to do endometrium micro trauma prior to implanting. Basically provide a diversion by scratching my lining and keeping most of the antibodies busy while coming in and implanting the embryos a few days later. It actually sounds quite comical to me, almost like the Trojan Horse sneak attack. Anyway I'm glad that he has some new ideas and that he is keeping our hopes up about becoming pregnant. We are still undecided as to when we'd like to start with the frozen cycle, and are quite content to wait for a while yet. Knowing that we still have 6 embryos to work with is comforting and we don't feel rushed, and it would only be myself getting ready and not syncing with a donor. All in God's timing and we are patiently waiting for that. We are excited and thanking God for the good news for couples in Quebec. The government is now fully funding invitro treatments, and our prayers are for our own leaders to follow the example and do the same across Canada. Here's a link if you're interested. Quebec Fertility Funding
Now shifting back a few days to our follow up appointment. First of all we weren't sure what to expect. We wanted some answers as to why the cycle failed, but also knew that Dr. Motan might not be able to provide them. He was very sympathetic, and truly felt for us. He was just as disappointed that it had failed, as everything he could tell professionally looked great. This was really nice to hear, and the fact that he was still very hopeful and positive for us, made us both feel good. What he decided was that it had nothing to do with the embryos, because they were of such great quality, and not the medications. He has an idea that it is most likely my lining fighting off the foreign embryos. Because I have POF, I have more antibodies than most. So when something foreign enters my womb (aka cute little embies) the antibodies want to try and get rid of it. Harsh right? If only I could have a talk with those Mr. Antibodies!! So when we decide to try a frozen cycle, Dr. Motan would like to do endometrium micro trauma prior to implanting. Basically provide a diversion by scratching my lining and keeping most of the antibodies busy while coming in and implanting the embryos a few days later. It actually sounds quite comical to me, almost like the Trojan Horse sneak attack. Anyway I'm glad that he has some new ideas and that he is keeping our hopes up about becoming pregnant. We are still undecided as to when we'd like to start with the frozen cycle, and are quite content to wait for a while yet. Knowing that we still have 6 embryos to work with is comforting and we don't feel rushed, and it would only be myself getting ready and not syncing with a donor. All in God's timing and we are patiently waiting for that. We are excited and thanking God for the good news for couples in Quebec. The government is now fully funding invitro treatments, and our prayers are for our own leaders to follow the example and do the same across Canada. Here's a link if you're interested. Quebec Fertility Funding
August 19, 2010
So back to the craziness of work. My official start date was this Monday past, and I usually don't start that early, but due to the changes taking place this year, the school really needs extra hands. The income is good too, so I'm not going to complain too much! Jeff and I enjoyed a really great hike into the mountains this past weekend. We went out to Allstones Lake which is way out west by Abraham Lake. We stayed Friday night on Abraham for free (sweet) and then packed up our gear for an overnight hike up to Allstones Lake. We did the hike in about 3 1/2 hours and it was hard. Way harder than I remember from back in the day when I went up in junior high... oh so long ago... It was beautiful and we couldn't have asked for better weather. We were the only people on the entire mountain at night, and it was so still and quiet. Almost a little too quiet, as every snap, and rustle would make us paranoid about bears! We thankfuly didn't see any and had a great time relaxing and enjoying God's creation.
We have our follow up appointment with Motan on Monday and we are hoping he can give us a little more info as to why our cycle failed, and advice about what to do next. Although we went through quite a rough patch after finding out it didn't work, we are able to look back now and know that it wasn't without reason. Jeff and I have had a wonderful summer, and we have been more open to talking with eachother, and enjoying life. It makes you stronger, and that I can say that now without anger and doubt shows me that God is in control and it really is His timing. We're not going to anticipate so much and really just ride the ride of life as it comes. Ahh contentment, it feels good.
We have our follow up appointment with Motan on Monday and we are hoping he can give us a little more info as to why our cycle failed, and advice about what to do next. Although we went through quite a rough patch after finding out it didn't work, we are able to look back now and know that it wasn't without reason. Jeff and I have had a wonderful summer, and we have been more open to talking with eachother, and enjoying life. It makes you stronger, and that I can say that now without anger and doubt shows me that God is in control and it really is His timing. We're not going to anticipate so much and really just ride the ride of life as it comes. Ahh contentment, it feels good.
July 28, 2010
Summer Time
Ahh I love summer. There isn't stress form long days at work, and there's time to relax and enjoy this beautiful earth. We have had a great summer so far, and July, it seems has been one big vacation. Nothing wrong with that right?! :) Vegas, camping with my family, then out to Saskatchewan with Jeff's family. Wow, so blessed. I've been feeling really positive as well. I've come to grips with our failed cycle, and have been quite content playing and cuddling with my niece and nephew, then doing the hand off when their bums start to stink!! Being an Auntie is great :)
We will be heading out to a reunion this long weekend, for my Dad's side of the family, then we are already into August! A couple suprises came our way as well. My cousin Emily is getting married in September, and I'm so excited for her, she's found the greatest guy. My sister-in-law announced that they are expecting their 2nd in the begining of February. This news is a little bitter sweet, as it would be such an amazing experience to be able to go through pregnancy with her, we would be due right around the same time. But that's not God's plan and, you know what, I'm alright with that. I'm happy for them, and looking forward to another niece or nephew to spoil!
I've been doing a lot of yardwork and we're thinking of doing a little landscaping, so we'll see if our planning turns into reality. The drawings look good anyway!
Here's the two of us in Saskatchewan at the cabin on Jackfish Lake this past week. It was incredible there, and we all would like to go back again
We will be heading out to a reunion this long weekend, for my Dad's side of the family, then we are already into August! A couple suprises came our way as well. My cousin Emily is getting married in September, and I'm so excited for her, she's found the greatest guy. My sister-in-law announced that they are expecting their 2nd in the begining of February. This news is a little bitter sweet, as it would be such an amazing experience to be able to go through pregnancy with her, we would be due right around the same time. But that's not God's plan and, you know what, I'm alright with that. I'm happy for them, and looking forward to another niece or nephew to spoil!
I've been doing a lot of yardwork and we're thinking of doing a little landscaping, so we'll see if our planning turns into reality. The drawings look good anyway!
Here's the two of us in Saskatchewan at the cabin on Jackfish Lake this past week. It was incredible there, and we all would like to go back again
July 9, 2010
Our trip to Vegas was amazing! It was just the kind of trip we needed. The sites, the sounds the heat, it was all so great. Our bodies are still adjusting and trying to get back into routine after the trip. I guess staying up until 3am and sleeping until 11 isn't the greatest when you get back into the 'real' world. Poor Jeff caught a bad cold, and he had to go to work the next day and today. I'm getting packed up for a weekend in the mountains with my family. Looking forward to that. We just spent a lot of crazy times in the busy bright lights of Vegas, it will be refreshing to spend time in the beautiful outdoors, and relax in God's beauty. My good friend Carly and her daughter are coming to visit after the weekend and I'm really looking forward to some girl time :) Then it's off to Saskatchewan on July 18 for a week with the Van Niejenhuis clan. It's busy busy, but good. I'm so glad summer is here, it's been good so far. Here's photo of us at the Grand Canyon
June 25, 2010
After talking with Jeff and having some time to settle and cope, we are ready to share what has been going on for the past while. We feel (and me more so) that it will take a huge weight off our shoulders, and allow us to heal faster, than to keep it bottled up inside. So apologies for the back log of blogs, but I have been writing updates, just not posting them because we weren’t sure what the outcome was going to be, but we are ready to share now. You might want to get a snack, or some coffee, because there are events backtracked from quite a few dates here.
May 28 - So we had to go back into the clinic today for the donor to give blood and have another ultrasound to measure the eggs. This time things looked pretty good, but they wanted the follicles to grow a little more each one grew by about 2mm or so. One of the follicles was already at 20, so they talked about letting that one go, because they don’t like to have them over 25mm. So she will continue the Puregon and we’ll need to come back again tomorrow for the same thing. I was joking that I felt left out (not having any ultrasounds) but I had my share in the beginning, that’s for sure! So continued prayers that all the follies will grow and strengthen. Also for the donor and she’s feeling quite bloated and tired. Hope that tomorrow there are a good amount 18mm or more so she can take her trigger shot!
May 29 – Well, we made it to the appointment, and turns out that there are only 4 follies mature enough, and they’d like to have a few more. This was a big disappointment and we were so sure more would be ready. Just another reality check that you can’t get your hopes up and what’s that cliché saying?? Oh ya, don’t count your chickens before they’re hatched. Or my favorite, spending your tax refund before you find out you don’t get one. Anyway back in tomorrow for the same drill and this time I’m also getting one done to see how thick my lining is getting. I just feel so anxious and excited that every time we find out, “Oh one more day” it feels like a week and I thought I had relatively good patience, but I’m learning to have more. Donor needs to have another day on meds then take the HCG shot which will bring the follicles to final maturation. The ovaries then rest for a day, and then June 1 will be egg retrieval day!!! I’ll also have an ultrasound so they can check that my lining is the right thickness. I was beginning to feel left out, not having any ultrasounds for so long! Wow, this is so incredible, we can’t believe it. Jeff and I were talking about how way back when we thought we would never get to this point, and now that it’s here, we’re almost shocked. It really is amazing and we thank God for every part of this journey.
May 30 - Donor has to take her trigger shot tonight, because there are a decent amount off follicles ready!! The retrieval is scheduled for 8:30am Tuesday and we have to be there at 7:30 so she can get prepped and ready. They reassured us (her) that she will get medicine and will be very drowsy and won’t feel much at all. Prayers for her as she’s about to undergo the surgery, and that the eggs will by healthy and mature.
June 1 – EGG RETRIEVAL DAY!! We got into the clinic about 10 minutes late, so before I could give her a hug they whisked her away to get ready. I just waited patiently (more like anxiously!) in the waiting room. I brought a book but didn’t read much at all. I wrote in my journal a bit, but couldn’t really focus on that either. Then at about 8:30, Dr. Motan came strolling in from the elevator just getting to work, and I kinda thought, “Um, aren’t you supposed to be doing a retrieval right now!?” Anyway they must have got started shortly after that. About 20 min later a nurse came out and asked if Jeff was ready to give his specimen, and I looked at her like she was kidding, because he wasn’t there with us, but at work. I must admit I did freak out on her a little bit because no one told us that he was to be there right away in the morning. So she went to go talk to someone, and I madly text Jeff and said he needed to be here like 5 minutes ago. Poor guy I felt stressed out for him, talk about pressure. Then the embryologist talked to me and said as long as he’s here in the next 2 hrs. Oops, guess I panicked a bit. We had read that if doing ICSI that the specimen should be delivered 5 hrs after retrieval. The nurse at the clinic confessed that they haven’t done an egg donor cycle for quite some time, and that communication got a little mixed up. This perturbed me somewhat because you can’t be messing around with live eggs, making them wait for sperm and screwing up the whole fertilization process. So anyway, Jeff came and we talked for a bit, then he went to do his ‘thing’. Meanwhile donor came out of recovery and was actually quite with it aside from being really tired. They said she did very well, and last the nurse heard, they had retrieved over 12 eggs!!! Donor said she didn’t feel sore at all, just her wrist from where they put in the IV, so this was a big relief for both of us, as we were nervous about how it would be.
The nurse came back to tell us that we would get a call from the embryologist the next morning to let us know how many fertilized. The nurse also said that based on the quality of the eggs, that only transferring one embryo may be suggested. We’d rather not risk it with just one, so we still feel strongly about implanting two, since we’ve gone through all this. Also that it would most likely be a 5 day transfer which means that the embryos would grow and mature in the dish for 5 days making it that much stronger for implantation. Wow, I can’t wait for that phone call!!! What an awesome (but also nerve-wracking) day!!! Now, egg and sperm, get it on in that little dish!!!
June 2 – I got ‘the call’ today!!! My cell phone was in my hand all morning, just waiting for it! Here goes
Total of 24 eggs retrieved – 19 of them mature enough to fertilize. Sooo here’s the break down of the 19 eggies :
13 – fertilized viable embryos
3 – look to be viable (they need to keep monitoring them)
2 – didn’t like the sperm I guess, so they passed on the mating ;)
1 – RIP didn’t make it
So it looks like we will have 13 embryos for sure!!! Wow, craziness!! God’s hand was truly in this procedure and he created so many precious little lives!! The embryologist said that they look very good and he is quite happy with them. I had asked Jeff the night before if he wanted me to just wait until he got home from work to tell him how many, and he said, “No! Text me right away!” We are both so pumped and in shock of all these little embies!! We will definitely be freezing the ones we don’t implant and think about donating them to other couples in the future. So we for sure have some things to decide after implanting and getting a positive pregnancy.
The nurse also called and confirmed my ET (embryo transfer) date is Sunday June 6 (which also happens to be my nieces’ 1st birthday) at 8:30am. I’m so excited and nervous and anxious and full of joy all at the same time
June 6 – I fell asleep the night before quite well considering what was scheduled. This morning though, I woke up at 4:30, 5:30 pretty much every hour until 7 when I got up to take my meds and had a shower. We had to be at the clinic by 8:30 and I didn’t want to be late. I think Jeff was pretty excited as well. We got there and when they called us in Jeff had to wear a Dr. outfit, booties and cap included (he looked quite handsome) and me in the fashionable robe with booties and hair net. We went and sat in a little waiting room where the embryologist and nurse spoke with us while they were getting the room ready. I was pretty nervous and Jeff said the same thing. I was hoping and praying that it would be nothing like the HSG exam I had that hurt like crazy. The embryologist told us that he was very happy with the 2 embryos. One was graded at 4AA and the other 4AB. The first letter stands for the quality of the embryo and the second for the quality of the surrounding cells. So embryo 2 had one cell that didn’t quite fit (think of a cobblestone path, and one brick is out of place) We were extremely happy and felt so blessed to have such great embryos!!
Finally the room was ready and Motan came in. We could see the 2 little embies on the monitor, as they were waiting for the waterslide ride of their lives!! ( It didn’t even hurt at all!!! I couldn’t even feel the catheter go in, the speculum was a bit uncomfortable, but the rest was so easy. They loaded up the embies and we could see them move into me on the screen. Two little white dots (it was the fluid around that we were seeing) and that was that, they were in. We were both in shock, awe and full of emotion. There they were, two little embies that one day, Lord willing will grow to become our children. Jeff and I had a moment together, and I had to lay on the bed for 15 minutes before leaving. The nurse explained a few things to us, and then we were free to leave. It was over. After years of trying and going through treatments, and waiting, the day was here, and it was a 15 minute procedure. I’m still in a little bit of shock, to think that I have 2 little lives making a home in me is utterly amazing.
We went out for brunch, and Jeff said, “So what’s the babies first meal going to be?” I looked at him and then said, “What do you mean?” It totally took me by surprise to hear that, as nothing really seemed to have changed. Here’s to new beginnings and onto the next phase.
June 11 – I’ve been feeling quite crampy the last few days and I’m wondering what that’s all about. I’ve read that you could have cramps because the embryos are implanting, so hopefully that’s the case. I received a call from Dana, the embryologist, and he let me know that out of all the embryos, 6 of them made it to the freezing stage!!! So we have 6 in the cooler to use later or perhaps adopt out, which is something that Jeff and I need to discuss later on. We are so happy to have that many embryos and that they are all of AB or BA quality. I’m super excited for Tuesday to come, and I haven’t bought a pee stick, so yay for me! I’m anxious as well though, because of the cramping that it might be negative. But we’re trusting in God that he has a plan, and that whatever does happen He will provide. We get to babysit my 6 month old nephew tomorrow and I’m pretty excited, Jeff said it will be good practice!
June 14 – Tomorrow is the ‘Big Reveal’ and I’m so excited I can hardly think. I was making the stupidest mistakes at school today and the kids thought I was crazy, but my mind is a million miles elsewhere. I’m sure I’ll have my phone plastered to me all day, waiting for a call back. I’m labeled as PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise) and it sounds silly to me but also in the back of my head is the question, “What if it doesn’t work?” I guess we just need to rely on God to do His thing, but we’re praying really hard that the embies have stuck and they are growing strong.
June 15 – I got to the RAH blood lab at 8 and had my blood taken at 8:30. I was so nervous to have it taken, and I’m never nervous to give blood because I’ve done it soo often. But my heart was beating so fast and walking out of the clinic I was a little panicky. This time my blood would tell me if I was pregnant or not, and that was both exciting and frightening. I had my phone with me constantly in the morning and at 10am it was ringing with RAH as the display. I shut my door and answered. The first words I heard were “I’m sorry Tanya but I don’t have good news for you…” the rest of the conversation I heard in bits and pieces. The word ‘negative’ came out loud and clear though. The nurse also mentioned that as soon as I was able to, to call the office and book a follow up appointment with Motan because he’s already booking into September. I wasn’t too concerned about waiting, because I don’t think I’ll be able to go through everything again right away. When I hung up I was in shock, I was numb. How can this be? Everything was going so right, so smooth during implanting to now. I started beating myself up with the what if’s, and what had I done wrong? Then I broke down. I’ve never sobbed with such grief and emotion in my life. I wanted to call Jeff desperately, but I couldn’t upset him at work, I needed some time to cry, question, and be mad. So I spent about 10 min in my room, then I put on a face and went to work as usual, for the rest of the day, knowing that I had 2 dead embryos in my womb, that couldn’t find refuge to survive. I called Jeff at lunch and he was just as shocked as I was. Maybe they got the blood mixed up, it was just so ludicrous to think that it was negative. We hadn’t prepared ourselves fully for this result. We were both so confident and sure that it was going to be positive. When I got home that night, we hugged and cried for a long time. I needed to take a home pregnancy test so I could see a visual and get a little closure. I took a digital, and yes, it read negative. It was a big slap in the face.
June 25 - ….to this day I still have times where I think “I could be 2 months pregnant right now, but I’m not” and that really hits like a tonne of bricks. We’ve decided to take a much needed mental, physical, emotional, break, and we’ve planned a trip to Vegas. It busy there, it’s hot and has lots to see. So that is what we are focusing on right now, and it’s been a good distraction. We are ok with not trying again for a while because we need to have some distance from treatments for a while and wrap our heads around everything. So please pray for an emotional, physical and mental healing for both of us, and for a continued strength to trust God that in His time, He will bless us with a child.
May 28 - So we had to go back into the clinic today for the donor to give blood and have another ultrasound to measure the eggs. This time things looked pretty good, but they wanted the follicles to grow a little more each one grew by about 2mm or so. One of the follicles was already at 20, so they talked about letting that one go, because they don’t like to have them over 25mm. So she will continue the Puregon and we’ll need to come back again tomorrow for the same thing. I was joking that I felt left out (not having any ultrasounds) but I had my share in the beginning, that’s for sure! So continued prayers that all the follies will grow and strengthen. Also for the donor and she’s feeling quite bloated and tired. Hope that tomorrow there are a good amount 18mm or more so she can take her trigger shot!
May 29 – Well, we made it to the appointment, and turns out that there are only 4 follies mature enough, and they’d like to have a few more. This was a big disappointment and we were so sure more would be ready. Just another reality check that you can’t get your hopes up and what’s that cliché saying?? Oh ya, don’t count your chickens before they’re hatched. Or my favorite, spending your tax refund before you find out you don’t get one. Anyway back in tomorrow for the same drill and this time I’m also getting one done to see how thick my lining is getting. I just feel so anxious and excited that every time we find out, “Oh one more day” it feels like a week and I thought I had relatively good patience, but I’m learning to have more. Donor needs to have another day on meds then take the HCG shot which will bring the follicles to final maturation. The ovaries then rest for a day, and then June 1 will be egg retrieval day!!! I’ll also have an ultrasound so they can check that my lining is the right thickness. I was beginning to feel left out, not having any ultrasounds for so long! Wow, this is so incredible, we can’t believe it. Jeff and I were talking about how way back when we thought we would never get to this point, and now that it’s here, we’re almost shocked. It really is amazing and we thank God for every part of this journey.
May 30 - Donor has to take her trigger shot tonight, because there are a decent amount off follicles ready!! The retrieval is scheduled for 8:30am Tuesday and we have to be there at 7:30 so she can get prepped and ready. They reassured us (her) that she will get medicine and will be very drowsy and won’t feel much at all. Prayers for her as she’s about to undergo the surgery, and that the eggs will by healthy and mature.
June 1 – EGG RETRIEVAL DAY!! We got into the clinic about 10 minutes late, so before I could give her a hug they whisked her away to get ready. I just waited patiently (more like anxiously!) in the waiting room. I brought a book but didn’t read much at all. I wrote in my journal a bit, but couldn’t really focus on that either. Then at about 8:30, Dr. Motan came strolling in from the elevator just getting to work, and I kinda thought, “Um, aren’t you supposed to be doing a retrieval right now!?” Anyway they must have got started shortly after that. About 20 min later a nurse came out and asked if Jeff was ready to give his specimen, and I looked at her like she was kidding, because he wasn’t there with us, but at work. I must admit I did freak out on her a little bit because no one told us that he was to be there right away in the morning. So she went to go talk to someone, and I madly text Jeff and said he needed to be here like 5 minutes ago. Poor guy I felt stressed out for him, talk about pressure. Then the embryologist talked to me and said as long as he’s here in the next 2 hrs. Oops, guess I panicked a bit. We had read that if doing ICSI that the specimen should be delivered 5 hrs after retrieval. The nurse at the clinic confessed that they haven’t done an egg donor cycle for quite some time, and that communication got a little mixed up. This perturbed me somewhat because you can’t be messing around with live eggs, making them wait for sperm and screwing up the whole fertilization process. So anyway, Jeff came and we talked for a bit, then he went to do his ‘thing’. Meanwhile donor came out of recovery and was actually quite with it aside from being really tired. They said she did very well, and last the nurse heard, they had retrieved over 12 eggs!!! Donor said she didn’t feel sore at all, just her wrist from where they put in the IV, so this was a big relief for both of us, as we were nervous about how it would be.
The nurse came back to tell us that we would get a call from the embryologist the next morning to let us know how many fertilized. The nurse also said that based on the quality of the eggs, that only transferring one embryo may be suggested. We’d rather not risk it with just one, so we still feel strongly about implanting two, since we’ve gone through all this. Also that it would most likely be a 5 day transfer which means that the embryos would grow and mature in the dish for 5 days making it that much stronger for implantation. Wow, I can’t wait for that phone call!!! What an awesome (but also nerve-wracking) day!!! Now, egg and sperm, get it on in that little dish!!!
June 2 – I got ‘the call’ today!!! My cell phone was in my hand all morning, just waiting for it! Here goes
Total of 24 eggs retrieved – 19 of them mature enough to fertilize. Sooo here’s the break down of the 19 eggies :
13 – fertilized viable embryos
3 – look to be viable (they need to keep monitoring them)
2 – didn’t like the sperm I guess, so they passed on the mating ;)
1 – RIP didn’t make it
So it looks like we will have 13 embryos for sure!!! Wow, craziness!! God’s hand was truly in this procedure and he created so many precious little lives!! The embryologist said that they look very good and he is quite happy with them. I had asked Jeff the night before if he wanted me to just wait until he got home from work to tell him how many, and he said, “No! Text me right away!” We are both so pumped and in shock of all these little embies!! We will definitely be freezing the ones we don’t implant and think about donating them to other couples in the future. So we for sure have some things to decide after implanting and getting a positive pregnancy.
The nurse also called and confirmed my ET (embryo transfer) date is Sunday June 6 (which also happens to be my nieces’ 1st birthday) at 8:30am. I’m so excited and nervous and anxious and full of joy all at the same time
June 6 – I fell asleep the night before quite well considering what was scheduled. This morning though, I woke up at 4:30, 5:30 pretty much every hour until 7 when I got up to take my meds and had a shower. We had to be at the clinic by 8:30 and I didn’t want to be late. I think Jeff was pretty excited as well. We got there and when they called us in Jeff had to wear a Dr. outfit, booties and cap included (he looked quite handsome) and me in the fashionable robe with booties and hair net. We went and sat in a little waiting room where the embryologist and nurse spoke with us while they were getting the room ready. I was pretty nervous and Jeff said the same thing. I was hoping and praying that it would be nothing like the HSG exam I had that hurt like crazy. The embryologist told us that he was very happy with the 2 embryos. One was graded at 4AA and the other 4AB. The first letter stands for the quality of the embryo and the second for the quality of the surrounding cells. So embryo 2 had one cell that didn’t quite fit (think of a cobblestone path, and one brick is out of place) We were extremely happy and felt so blessed to have such great embryos!!
Finally the room was ready and Motan came in. We could see the 2 little embies on the monitor, as they were waiting for the waterslide ride of their lives!! ( It didn’t even hurt at all!!! I couldn’t even feel the catheter go in, the speculum was a bit uncomfortable, but the rest was so easy. They loaded up the embies and we could see them move into me on the screen. Two little white dots (it was the fluid around that we were seeing) and that was that, they were in. We were both in shock, awe and full of emotion. There they were, two little embies that one day, Lord willing will grow to become our children. Jeff and I had a moment together, and I had to lay on the bed for 15 minutes before leaving. The nurse explained a few things to us, and then we were free to leave. It was over. After years of trying and going through treatments, and waiting, the day was here, and it was a 15 minute procedure. I’m still in a little bit of shock, to think that I have 2 little lives making a home in me is utterly amazing.
We went out for brunch, and Jeff said, “So what’s the babies first meal going to be?” I looked at him and then said, “What do you mean?” It totally took me by surprise to hear that, as nothing really seemed to have changed. Here’s to new beginnings and onto the next phase.
June 11 – I’ve been feeling quite crampy the last few days and I’m wondering what that’s all about. I’ve read that you could have cramps because the embryos are implanting, so hopefully that’s the case. I received a call from Dana, the embryologist, and he let me know that out of all the embryos, 6 of them made it to the freezing stage!!! So we have 6 in the cooler to use later or perhaps adopt out, which is something that Jeff and I need to discuss later on. We are so happy to have that many embryos and that they are all of AB or BA quality. I’m super excited for Tuesday to come, and I haven’t bought a pee stick, so yay for me! I’m anxious as well though, because of the cramping that it might be negative. But we’re trusting in God that he has a plan, and that whatever does happen He will provide. We get to babysit my 6 month old nephew tomorrow and I’m pretty excited, Jeff said it will be good practice!
June 14 – Tomorrow is the ‘Big Reveal’ and I’m so excited I can hardly think. I was making the stupidest mistakes at school today and the kids thought I was crazy, but my mind is a million miles elsewhere. I’m sure I’ll have my phone plastered to me all day, waiting for a call back. I’m labeled as PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise) and it sounds silly to me but also in the back of my head is the question, “What if it doesn’t work?” I guess we just need to rely on God to do His thing, but we’re praying really hard that the embies have stuck and they are growing strong.
June 15 – I got to the RAH blood lab at 8 and had my blood taken at 8:30. I was so nervous to have it taken, and I’m never nervous to give blood because I’ve done it soo often. But my heart was beating so fast and walking out of the clinic I was a little panicky. This time my blood would tell me if I was pregnant or not, and that was both exciting and frightening. I had my phone with me constantly in the morning and at 10am it was ringing with RAH as the display. I shut my door and answered. The first words I heard were “I’m sorry Tanya but I don’t have good news for you…” the rest of the conversation I heard in bits and pieces. The word ‘negative’ came out loud and clear though. The nurse also mentioned that as soon as I was able to, to call the office and book a follow up appointment with Motan because he’s already booking into September. I wasn’t too concerned about waiting, because I don’t think I’ll be able to go through everything again right away. When I hung up I was in shock, I was numb. How can this be? Everything was going so right, so smooth during implanting to now. I started beating myself up with the what if’s, and what had I done wrong? Then I broke down. I’ve never sobbed with such grief and emotion in my life. I wanted to call Jeff desperately, but I couldn’t upset him at work, I needed some time to cry, question, and be mad. So I spent about 10 min in my room, then I put on a face and went to work as usual, for the rest of the day, knowing that I had 2 dead embryos in my womb, that couldn’t find refuge to survive. I called Jeff at lunch and he was just as shocked as I was. Maybe they got the blood mixed up, it was just so ludicrous to think that it was negative. We hadn’t prepared ourselves fully for this result. We were both so confident and sure that it was going to be positive. When I got home that night, we hugged and cried for a long time. I needed to take a home pregnancy test so I could see a visual and get a little closure. I took a digital, and yes, it read negative. It was a big slap in the face.
June 25 - ….to this day I still have times where I think “I could be 2 months pregnant right now, but I’m not” and that really hits like a tonne of bricks. We’ve decided to take a much needed mental, physical, emotional, break, and we’ve planned a trip to Vegas. It busy there, it’s hot and has lots to see. So that is what we are focusing on right now, and it’s been a good distraction. We are ok with not trying again for a while because we need to have some distance from treatments for a while and wrap our heads around everything. So please pray for an emotional, physical and mental healing for both of us, and for a continued strength to trust God that in His time, He will bless us with a child.
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