I had my IVF ultrasound this morning to check the progress of my lining. Jeff came with me since he had the day off. We had a different doctor do the ultrasound and she was very informative and asked me questions about how I was feeling and if I had any side effects/questions. She was very nice and yes I did have tender boobs and some other side effects for the last 2 days, and she said, "Great that means the Estrace is absorbing!" So we did the test and my lining is measuring at 7.2mm (soooo close!!!) and it’s all good because the meds are doing there job, I just need a couple more days on the Estrace and nasal spray and have another ultrasound. So the 2nd one was booked for April 15, but the nurse called back after talking with Motan and said he'd like for me to come in Sun April 11 for the ultrasound instead (he must assume that it should only take a couple days to get to that 8mm, I agree, since it's grown this much already) Also more good news that my uterus is nice and big in size (5 cm) and has 3 layers (apparently good:) ) and the Dr. said that if she hadn't known I was on supplements that she'd assume I had a perfectly normal looking uterus and lining. Yay! I look normal again in there!!
So by Sunday it should be at 8mm for sure and then my mock cycle will be over about 5 days after that!!! It's a bit crazy because I'm also going on a ski trip with friends so I had to make last minute arrangements today to get home Saturday night from Jasper, instead of Sunday night. So I miss out on a night in Jasper and a day of skiing, but I have priorities and I can't wait to get to the end of the mock cycle!!! Thanks again to all of you for prayers, e-mails of support and staying with me through all my rollercoaster moods! Luv you all!!
April 9, 2010
April 7, 2010
flip flop moods
It’s been over 2 years since we first began trying to have a baby and over 5 years of POF symptoms. Today I’ve been in the mindset of reflecting over what we’ve been through, and of course continually going through. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how planned this is. There’s a whole timeline of ‘events’, schedules to keep and medications to take at precise times. The excitement is getting lost in this whole process and I feel as if I’m just going through the motions of ‘doing what needs to be done’; following rules and guidelines because it will lead to ‘success’. It’s all so clinical now and I don’t feel that urgent sense of anticipation. Have I lost my desire for children?? No, how can I possibly! And yet making my way through all the corners and dead ends of the infertility maze, I find myself not focusing on the precious end result, but rather drawing my attention to taking the right turns, choosing the right way and doing it all in a timely manner.
Yes, I’m thankful for our donor, the advances in technology, the support, all of it. Yet it all takes away from the excitement of “Wow, we are pregnant!!! We weren’t sure if it would happen and it did!! I guess we are due on ...” It’s different for us; I know the timeline of the mock cycle, I will know the schedule for egg retrieval and embryo implant. When it all boils down, I think I’m feeling jealous about a natural pregnancy being more exciting because you haven’t spent 2-4 years anticipating and working towards it, and that it almost feels like work. I could really take it or leave it at this moment, honestly. I know that sounds ludicrous. I WANT CHILDREN, I really do, but I’m so content right now with life (minus watching the clock at all time to snort meds, shove them up places, and swallow them) I love spending time with my niece and nephew, with my best friends little girl, and other children, heck I work at a school!! I wonder if I’m either so used to riding the infertility rollercoaster, or have just become somewhat numb to the whole process. I know I’ll sound contradictory here, but I absolutely can’t wait to hold our own precious babe, I just want the excitement back, is it too much to ask? I blame the meds for my crazy moods!!!
Yes, I’m thankful for our donor, the advances in technology, the support, all of it. Yet it all takes away from the excitement of “Wow, we are pregnant!!! We weren’t sure if it would happen and it did!! I guess we are due on ...” It’s different for us; I know the timeline of the mock cycle, I will know the schedule for egg retrieval and embryo implant. When it all boils down, I think I’m feeling jealous about a natural pregnancy being more exciting because you haven’t spent 2-4 years anticipating and working towards it, and that it almost feels like work. I could really take it or leave it at this moment, honestly. I know that sounds ludicrous. I WANT CHILDREN, I really do, but I’m so content right now with life (minus watching the clock at all time to snort meds, shove them up places, and swallow them) I love spending time with my niece and nephew, with my best friends little girl, and other children, heck I work at a school!! I wonder if I’m either so used to riding the infertility rollercoaster, or have just become somewhat numb to the whole process. I know I’ll sound contradictory here, but I absolutely can’t wait to hold our own precious babe, I just want the excitement back, is it too much to ask? I blame the meds for my crazy moods!!!
April 2, 2010
about half way through mock cycle
I had my baseline ultrasound and blood work done on March 30, to see that I was adequately suppressed and to determine how thick my lining is. I am suppressed enough at this point and my lining is about 3.5mm thick, which is where it needs to be. I am now taking Estrace 3xday to grown my lining to the magic number of 8mm. On April 9th I will have another IVF ultrasound to measure, and if it is 8mm or thicker than I move on the final stages of the mock cycle (a couple days on a different drug and a mock embryo transfer) So we're very thankful to be at this stage and that everything is going as it should be. Easter has brought time for us to visit with family and friends and seeing little nieces and nephews, makes us even more excited for what's to come.
'Lord thank you for your ever present grace'
'Lord thank you for your ever present grace'
March 23, 2010
more pondering..
I came across this video while looking at a blog. It's a great interview about twins that were born through Invitro.
Again, and again I come back to the question to tell or not, and if so when? Who is the REAL mother. Looking back at a previous post I wrote which talked about the egg donor providing the 'blue prints' and the carrying woman 'building and shaping the house' is a great analogy to who 'mom' is. To look at an explanation of real in a different way, here is an excerpt from a novel by Margery Williams 'The Skin Horse and the Velveteen Rabbit'(a story about two stuffed animals)...
"What is real?" asked the Rabbit one day.
"Real isn't how you were made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, really loves you, then you become real."
"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.
"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse. "When you are real, you don't mind being hurt."
"Does it happen all at once?" the Rabbit asked.
"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are real, most of you has been loved off, and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."
Interesting.
Again, and again I come back to the question to tell or not, and if so when? Who is the REAL mother. Looking back at a previous post I wrote which talked about the egg donor providing the 'blue prints' and the carrying woman 'building and shaping the house' is a great analogy to who 'mom' is. To look at an explanation of real in a different way, here is an excerpt from a novel by Margery Williams 'The Skin Horse and the Velveteen Rabbit'(a story about two stuffed animals)...
"What is real?" asked the Rabbit one day.
"Real isn't how you were made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, really loves you, then you become real."
"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.
"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse. "When you are real, you don't mind being hurt."
"Does it happen all at once?" the Rabbit asked.
"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are real, most of you has been loved off, and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."
Interesting.
March 22, 2010
Headaches
Since starting the Suprefact nasal spray, I've been having headaches everyday. Usualy they are just mild, but by the end of the day there's so much pressure on the sides of my head. I've read on forums that it's a common side affect, so I'm really looking forward to the day when I don't need to take it anymore. So a little complaining about that, but otherwise I'm still feeling positive about the spray doing it's job of getting my lining all plump and juicy :)
We're still waiting for a call from Rhonda about Jeff and I having a counseling session together. I'm thinking that will hapen soon, and that we will also find out about the blood work from the donor.
We're still waiting for a call from Rhonda about Jeff and I having a counseling session together. I'm thinking that will hapen soon, and that we will also find out about the blood work from the donor.
March 17, 2010
no turning back
I started my nasal spray today, and yuck, I've realized not to breathe in too deeply otherwise the nasty stuff goes straight to the back of your throat! I foolishly started my Estrace meds as well (I'm supposed to start them in about 10 days) man, I must be tired. So needless to say I have a little extra in me, but I'm not worried about it.
There is no turning back once the treatment train is rolling. I officially put down $200 (registration fee) on the Visa today and we need to have the big bulk of it (I'll spare you the horrific numbers because I don't want you to have nightmares) paid in about a week. Wow, we are in this for the long haul, good thing we've been saving like mad, but I will have to cut back on my crème egg expenditures this Easter :) The 'light at the end of the tunnel' so to speak, is what I'm keeping my eye on, and it keeps getting brighter!
There is no turning back once the treatment train is rolling. I officially put down $200 (registration fee) on the Visa today and we need to have the big bulk of it (I'll spare you the horrific numbers because I don't want you to have nightmares) paid in about a week. Wow, we are in this for the long haul, good thing we've been saving like mad, but I will have to cut back on my crème egg expenditures this Easter :) The 'light at the end of the tunnel' so to speak, is what I'm keeping my eye on, and it keeps getting brighter!
March 9, 2010
Counseling
coun•sel•ing ˈkaʊn sə lɪŋ Show Spelled[koun-suh-ling]
–nounPsychology.
Professional guidance in resolving personal conflicts and emotional problems.
I have an appointment with Barbra (psychology counselor) on March 12 at 10:00. I’ve never been to a counselor before and I wonder if all the feelings that I thought I have been managing, will all of a sudden pour out. I’m assuming we’ll talk about why I feel going through in vitro is the best course of action, how I feel about my children being not biologically mine etc. As of right now I feel ok with this fact, and have accepted it. The love and support of our wonderful donor definitely helps with this. Jeff and I feel that this is the direction the God is pointing us in and the timing of it all was just amazing. It’s hard to see it when you are in the thick of disappointment and wondering what to do next, but that was just the right time for God to step in and say, “Trust me”.
.......
The appointment went really well. At first it was a bit awkward because I wasn't sure what I was supposed to talk about, and she wasn't really asking a lot of questions. I ended up telling her about our whole journey thus far and how happy we are with where we're at now. Yes, I did cry and Barbra even cried along with me. She said that she is very impressed with my outlook and how I've overcome all these obstacles. She also realized how important my faith is to me and that He is the one who has gotten me through everything so far. My homework from the session is to get things out in the open so that Jeff, myself and the donor are all on the same page in terms of how much info to share with people and legal issues. Rhonda(IVF nurse) will be booking another session for Jeff and I together, then one with us and donor. So that will happen in the next little bit.
And no, I didn't lay in a lounge couch! :)
–nounPsychology.
Professional guidance in resolving personal conflicts and emotional problems.
I have an appointment with Barbra (psychology counselor) on March 12 at 10:00. I’ve never been to a counselor before and I wonder if all the feelings that I thought I have been managing, will all of a sudden pour out. I’m assuming we’ll talk about why I feel going through in vitro is the best course of action, how I feel about my children being not biologically mine etc. As of right now I feel ok with this fact, and have accepted it. The love and support of our wonderful donor definitely helps with this. Jeff and I feel that this is the direction the God is pointing us in and the timing of it all was just amazing. It’s hard to see it when you are in the thick of disappointment and wondering what to do next, but that was just the right time for God to step in and say, “Trust me”.
.......
The appointment went really well. At first it was a bit awkward because I wasn't sure what I was supposed to talk about, and she wasn't really asking a lot of questions. I ended up telling her about our whole journey thus far and how happy we are with where we're at now. Yes, I did cry and Barbra even cried along with me. She said that she is very impressed with my outlook and how I've overcome all these obstacles. She also realized how important my faith is to me and that He is the one who has gotten me through everything so far. My homework from the session is to get things out in the open so that Jeff, myself and the donor are all on the same page in terms of how much info to share with people and legal issues. Rhonda(IVF nurse) will be booking another session for Jeff and I together, then one with us and donor. So that will happen in the next little bit.
And no, I didn't lay in a lounge couch! :)
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