more pondering..

I came across this video while looking at a blog. It's a great interview about twins that were born through Invitro.




Again, and again I come back to the question to tell or not, and if so when? Who is the REAL mother. Looking back at a previous post I wrote which talked about the egg donor providing the 'blue prints' and the carrying woman 'building and shaping the house' is a great analogy to who 'mom' is. To look at an explanation of real in a different way, here is an excerpt from a novel by Margery Williams 'The Skin Horse and the Velveteen Rabbit'(a story about two stuffed animals)...

"What is real?" asked the Rabbit one day.

"Real isn't how you were made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, really loves you, then you become real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse. "When you are real, you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once?" the Rabbit asked.

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are real, most of you has been loved off, and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

Interesting.

Headaches

Since starting the Suprefact nasal spray, I've been having headaches everyday. Usualy they are just mild, but by the end of the day there's so much pressure on the sides of my head. I've read on forums that it's a common side affect, so I'm really looking forward to the day when I don't need to take it anymore. So a little complaining about that, but otherwise I'm still feeling positive about the spray doing it's job of getting my lining all plump and juicy :)
We're still waiting for a call from Rhonda about Jeff and I having a counseling session together. I'm thinking that will hapen soon, and that we will also find out about the blood work from the donor.

no turning back

I started my nasal spray today, and yuck, I've realized not to breathe in too deeply otherwise the nasty stuff goes straight to the back of your throat! I foolishly started my Estrace meds as well (I'm supposed to start them in about 10 days) man, I must be tired. So needless to say I have a little extra in me, but I'm not worried about it.

There is no turning back once the treatment train is rolling. I officially put down $200 (registration fee) on the Visa today and we need to have the big bulk of it (I'll spare you the horrific numbers because I don't want you to have nightmares) paid in about a week. Wow, we are in this for the long haul, good thing we've been saving like mad, but I will have to cut back on my crème egg expenditures this Easter :) The 'light at the end of the tunnel' so to speak, is what I'm keeping my eye on, and it keeps getting brighter!

Counseling

coun•sel•ing ˈkaʊn sə lɪŋ Show Spelled[koun-suh-ling]
–nounPsychology.
Professional guidance in resolving personal conflicts and emotional problems.

I have an appointment with Barbra (psychology counselor) on March 12 at 10:00. I’ve never been to a counselor before and I wonder if all the feelings that I thought I have been managing, will all of a sudden pour out. I’m assuming we’ll talk about why I feel going through in vitro is the best course of action, how I feel about my children being not biologically mine etc. As of right now I feel ok with this fact, and have accepted it. The love and support of our wonderful donor definitely helps with this. Jeff and I feel that this is the direction the God is pointing us in and the timing of it all was just amazing. It’s hard to see it when you are in the thick of disappointment and wondering what to do next, but that was just the right time for God to step in and say, “Trust me”.
.......
The appointment went really well. At first it was a bit awkward because I wasn't sure what I was supposed to talk about, and she wasn't really asking a lot of questions. I ended up telling her about our whole journey thus far and how happy we are with where we're at now. Yes, I did cry and Barbra even cried along with me. She said that she is very impressed with my outlook and how I've overcome all these obstacles. She also realized how important my faith is to me and that He is the one who has gotten me through everything so far. My homework from the session is to get things out in the open so that Jeff, myself and the donor are all on the same page in terms of how much info to share with people and legal issues. Rhonda(IVF nurse) will be booking another session for Jeff and I together, then one with us and donor. So that will happen in the next little bit.
And no, I didn't lay in a lounge couch! :)

Heading in the right direction

So the appointment went very well!! Jeff and I are super excited and feeling really positive. It was so good to hang out with our wonderful (and loved :) ) donor. We'll be seeing a lot of each other in the next few months and I'm really looking forward to that.

So here's the update:
My new prescription is ready to be picked up. I would have started on them March 1, but surprise, surprise my period started for the second time this month so I will have to wait the 21 days and start my new meds on March 17. So this pushes things back a bit, but nothing I can't handle! The new meds for my mock cycle are low dose aspirin, and a nasal spray that I need to squirt in each nostril 4x/day. The purpose of a mock cycle is to determine that my body will respond appropriately so that implantation will be successful. The spray suppresses my cycle and gets my lining built up nice and thick. After being on the spray for 10 days, I'm to have an ultrasound to measure my lining and determine if it is the perfect little nest for embryos. In the meantime the donor will have all her blood work, testing and info done. We will then attend counselling all together, (that Motan will set up) near the end of March/beginning of April. If all is well and the paperwork is done we will begin the real IVF cycle (where our cycles will be synced, egg extraction, fertilization, then implantation) more on this later…

Jeff and I have been through so much and have waited for so long, that now the ball is rolling it all seems to be happening so fast! We are so blessed by our Father, and are assured and at peace with His will with where we are at right now; with our relationship, with the timing of having our precious donor offer this amazing gift, and reminding us through His amazing love, that He has a plan for everything. Continuing to trust in Him for the next few weeks ahead in hearing good news about my meds working, the donor's testing to come through positively and paperwork to go smoothly. Thank you family and friends also for your continued prayers and support.

Tomorrow is a big day! I'm feeling so many mixed emotions, mostly excitement and anticipation but a little bit anxious and fearful. With my track record of roadblocks, I can't help but feel a little apprehensive about the appointment. I am looking forward to spending time with the donor and getting more details ironed out. We have yet to discuss and decide how much we want to share and with whom to share it with. It almost seems a little political in a sense.

I have read articles and talked with woman who have used donor eggs, and one of the biggest dilemmas is whether or not to tell your child that they aren’t 100% yours. How much info do you divulge to close family and friends? 1) Allowing them the knowledge builds a great support system; however 2) the potential hurt that could be caused if information is leaked out, if we as parents haven’t had time to talk with the child first, or at all?? I am, at this point, not sure where my feelings are with telling my child about it or not. But I'm not to get too ahead of myself here; we have yet to find out about the possibilities of a successful treatment first.
Praying that tomorrow holds all the right answers and to calm all the spirits and minds involved.

It's been a little while since I posted last. I have been healing quite well from surgery, and I find that I can flex and pull my stomach muscles without too much pain. This is good because I start boot camp this week! I always had in my head to get in the best shape before a baby comes along, so I'm that much healthier. I need to get going on that!

I'm getting excited for our appt with Motan next week (24th) He will most likely start me on a mock cycle right away, and although I'm not looking forward to needles, I'm glad that the ball is moving. Jeff and I are still taking things in stride as we're not sure about the donor's eggs yet, but we feel confident this is the path God is leading us down. Feeling positive!

I had a really good talk with an old friend of mine who is going through a lot of the same stuff. It was so good to share feelings of frustration, anger, worry, hopes, fears and just to have someone that actually 'gets' how I'm feeling. I was also able to give her some advice and it was great to know that because of all the stuff I've gone through I could offer some guidance, and she helped me realize that no matter how difficult things get you do make it through.

Sending out prayers for ALL the woman suffering in silence.